I have mentioned before that I self harm. All of the specifics are superfluous at this point, and probably at any point. The fact of the matter is, I had not self-injured in nearly four months. Four. That was approaching a record. Today, I am starting over at step 1. Hopefully, by the time you read this, I will have significantly more time saved up.
I have been hurting myself since I was 16.
Nearly 12 years. I saw a friend do it, thought it looked like an interesting coping skills, and gave it a go. Whoa! That is something that is difficult to come back from.
Some Facts
The NHS (National Health Society in the United Kingdom) says that “self-harming is the physical expression of emotional distress.” Ties in pretty well since I see it as a coping skill - it was how I dealt with problems and emotions I did not feel strong enough to face. In addition, according to the University of Michigan Health System, when some people feel pain, their brains release dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical often associated with pleasure, and even addiction.
According to Matthew K. Nock (2010), shame was among the most common emotions felt after self-injury, in addition to anger and guilt. I can attest on a personal level, I feel anger, shame and guilt. I am so angry with myself for letting it get this far. I am ashamed of the marks on my body! I want to cover it up, and find myself wearing my sweaters, even when I am alone. I also feel ashamed of myself, and I do not want to let my support system know how very low I have gotten. It took me a little while to get myself together and admit the truth, and that has only been to the 3 people incredibly close to me.
Starting Over
First, you have got to learn some reasonable coping skills that don’t involve hurting yourself or anyone else. I’ve said it time and again: get a therapist. My therapist walks me through all of my naive questions. Things I figure are being taught to children, she is working on with me, even though I am embarrassed and hurting. This time, she told me mistakes happen. She told me I can come back from this. She said she understood the craving, and that 12 years of a habit can’t just be undone. And she reminded me of my coping skills. Here are a few that usually work for me.
- Take a DEEP breathe. Hold it. Let it go. An app through Android is Flowy. That has helped with my breathing a lot. It’s just a silly little pirate, but it’s pretty helpful.
- Ask for help. Call a friend, call a trusted family member, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) or the Kern County Mental Health Hotline at 1 (800) 991-5272. Someone can help.
- Take care of you! Take a bath, or a shower. If you are somewhere you can’t get away from, just slip into the bathroom and wash your hands slowly, over and over, until you can function again. Do something that makes you feel good.
- Read a book. Distract yourself. Draw a picture, even if it just on your skin.
If you have a suggestion, feel free to post in the comments below! I am always looking for something new to try to help me out when I am feeling overwhelmed!
Take care of you.
-Nikki
Matthew K. Nock http://www.wjh.harvard.edu/~nock/nocklab/Nock_ARCP_2010.pdf
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