The Ultimate Act of Courage

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” 
― Seneca

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” 
― Albert Camus

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

When I think of courage, I think of the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz. Growing up, I always identified with that character. Always shy, scared, and timid, yet willing to do what needs to be done. That was me. When I got close to success I got nervous. When I failed I blamed myself. It got to the point where I was scared of everything. Yet I kept going.

Courage is not simply being brave. There is more to it than that. Courage is the act of continuing. Sometimes it can be difficult. If you are suicidal, life has gotten you down to the point where you don't want to continue anymore. That is when I think we have the most courage. It takes amazing strength to look at all the obstacles ahead of us and still choose to keep going. To continue, despite feeling insignificant. To feel cowardly, but have courage.

The ultimate act of courage is to live. Facing everyday adversity is one of the hardest things we have to do. It may not seem like it at first, but the struggles we face eventually add up. To get up, throw off the struggles and adversity, and keep living life takes real courage. So say no to the pain and have the courage to do what you may feel is impossible. Have the courage to LIVE.

Image from: http://just4kicksata.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/cat-lion-jfk-martial-arts-courage-karate-for-kids-3-2015.jpg

Improving Self-Esteem

If you are like me and many others in this country, you suffer from low self-esteem. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in yourself. It can even be hard to like yourself. This can lead to a depressed mood, lack of self-worth, and suicidal thoughts.

The tendency to not like ourselves is partly because of the emphasis we have on self-worth. It's been drilled in our heads that we need to be the best looking, have the best clothes, and own the best stuff. That is what people commonly think self-esteem is. In order to have high self-esteem you have to work the hardest, be the smartest, and be better than everyone else. The reality of that is, however, that if everyone is trying to be the best, there will be one winner and thousands of losers.

Dr. John M. Grohol looks at self-esteem another way. Having high self-esteem doesn't mean you think you are better than everyone else. It simply means you accept yourself, both the good and the bad, and are able to live life accordingly. Dr. Grohol offers helpful suggestions in order to boost self-esteem and have a more positive sense of self-worth. First, become aware of who you are, both the good and the bad. If it helps, write a list of ten good and ten bad things about yourself. Once you are aware of who you are and what you can do, set goals for yourself. However, make sure these goals are realistic, Do not plan to be an astronaut in five years if you have no prior training in the field. Also, do not try to achieve things out of your control. For example, don't make your goal bringing your divorced parents back together.

Next, Dr. Grohol advises to revel in accomplishments. So many of us worry about things we need to do, that we forget to celebrate what we've already done. We also downplay our achievements. When someone congratulates us on a job well done, we tend to say things like, "It was nothing" or, "So-and-so did more work than me. I just helped." Instead, try a simple thank-you. Even if what you did is small in your eyes, that small achievement is worth celebrating.

It is also suggested that we get to know ourselves. Our true selves. This is more that just our strengths and weaknesses. It is who we are, what makes us unique, what we can do that no one else can, and what we may need help in. Once we've done that, we can be open to adjustment. We may find that there is something in an area we excel in that we don't know. Commonly, someone's response would be, "Oh that's impossible. I've been doing this for 20 years and have never seen that before." Well, rejecting that thing's existence won't solve anything. We are not fallible. Be willing to adjust, learn that thing, and become better for it.

The last tip is perhaps the most difficult. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others. That is not what self-esteem is, and it is not an accurate measure of self-worth. It doesn't matter if we have the best technology, the nicest clothes, or the most expensive car. We don't need to be smarter, stronger, or better than anyone else. We just have to like ourselves. And that is what self-esteem is all about.

Image from: http://wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs/searchingfortomsawyer/files/2014/01/self-esteem-and-self-love.jpg

For more on Dr. John M. Grohol's article:  http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/30/6-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/

Quote of the Week: Controlling Change

"I'm a big believer that life changes as much as you want it to."

- Martin Freeman

Image from: http://gapyearexperiment.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/taking-control.jpg

Control is important to so many people. People have a desire for things to go perfectly as they intended. If we were given the option to control every single part of our life and make sure everything happened exactly how we wanted it to, I'm sure many people would be at least tempted by that offer. 

However, life doesn't work that way. There is so much in life that is out of our control. People lose jobs, relationships, lives of loved ones, things they may have thought were certainties in life. And when those things are taken away, when we lose that control, that is when we tend to become the darkest. So many people think about suicide because they have lost control over seemingly everything in their life. 

The good news is, there is something we will never lose control over: ourselves. You control every decision you will ever make, although your decision may be influenced by other factors. You control your actions. You control your reactions. You control your thoughts, and, most importantly, you control change. You get to decide how much change occurs in your life. If too much happens too fast, you can make the choice to go into a room, curl into a ball, and ignore life for days at a time. If life is moving too slow for you, you can decide to do something about it. Start volunteering, adopt a pet, get a crazy tatoo. It is your decision. 

I think the point of what I'm saying is that you are your biggest motivator for change. You are in control of your life, so you can change it if you want. If you are suicidal, chances are you don't hear that too often. But it's true. If you are tired of being suicidal, tired of feeling alone in the world, or tired of being helpless, you can choose to do something about it. Reach out to others, find help, call the crisis hotline if necessary. You can do it. You have the power. You have the ability. You have the control. 

Getting Out There

Today I went to a book sale. I have been looking for a nice used book store for a long time. There is something special about flipping through a book that someone else has owned, reading their notes, seeing what they’ve seen. I feel like I am sharing a world with another human, but I get to stay home, safe in my chair.

The downside of going to the book sale was that there were a lot of other people. Goodness, so many people. I pulled up to the store and my heart started racing. But I had came prepared. I had my daughter, a good friend, and my emergency medication.

My social anxiety can be intense. For me, my moods shift rapidly. I can leave the house without a problem, fulfill simple tasks, and suddenly it seems a switch is flipped. I can feel my heart beating faster, my head begins to pound, and I find myself glancing over my shoulder before every move. I apologize every time a person speaks to me. Eventually I give up, and just go home. Even from home, walking the four apartments to the laundry room becomes impossible.

But today, I went to a book sale. I took my emergency medication, but I stayed at the book sale. There were plenty of people, but I continued to walk around looking at the different books. I made sure to keep contact with my support system, the friend I had come with, and I kept my daughter close by, but allowed her to circulate.

I bought books, I spoke to strangers, and my daughter and I curled up on our couch and have had hours of peace reading beside each other. Every little excursion is worth celebrating, I think.

What have you celebrated?

-Nikki

Quote of the week: The Choice of Happiness

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."

- Martha Washington

Image from: https://eagleman6788.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/perspective2.jpg

I, like most people, have been through the entire gambit of emotions. There are times when the whole world has seemed to be stacked against me, others where things seem to just fall in place. What changed between those times was not my situation, but rather my perspective. Bad things happen every day. When they happen, they are big, dramatic, and demand our attention. Turn on the news and you can find at least ten examples of what I'm talking about. Bad things are so prevalent, that they can easily dominate our entire perspective on life. If you have or are currently struggling with suicidal thoughts, this has probably been true for you. Attention is drawn to bad things so frequently that eventually it is all you can focus on, and you find yourself wanting a way out. Anything to escape the torment in your life, including death.

Good things happen too, but they get ignored. While bad things are big and dramatic, good things are small and subtle. An intimate conversation or a loving gesture is far less newsworthy than a fire or school shooting. So, when you are in a dark tunnel of despair with suicide as the only light at the end, it is easy to ignore the beauty outside of the tunnel. However, it is still there. It's all a matter of perspective. Find the side door in the tunnel, or find a crack in the wall. You can even have a loved one blow a hole in the tunnel and force you to see what lies outside of it. 

We always have a choice in our disposition. Despair and sadness are everywhere, but so is hope and joy. Even the dirtiest, most ill child is capable of smiling. It is all a matter of what you choose to see.   

Let's Break the Silence

Advocacy
Currently I am taking a class about cultural competency and the one word I keep hearing is ‘advocacy.’ Advocacy for what? For me, I’m advocating for mental health and tearing down the curtains of secrecy and shame surrounding it.

Therapy is the Norm
During class, we were asked to raise our hands if we were currently receiving therapy and, of course, most of us raised our hands. The reason I say “of course” is because it has been drilled into our heads from day one that we should seek our own therapy to help us become better therapists. I like that most of us students in our program have no shame and little hesitancy about seeking therapy. In fact, some of my friends and I love to talk about some of the things we're learning from therapy, sometimes in a geeky "they did this intervention! How cool!" way, similar to how friends and family talk about doctors. Now we just have to get the rest of the world on board.

I’m in Therapy
I am here to say that I am currently in therapy. Have been for a while. I value it very much: I keep learning more about myself, I sometime mentally file away interventions that I find useful for future use, and I feel I have someone who supports me. I appreciate the unconditional positive regard and acceptance I receive in session. I feel it has allowed me to grow as a person, both personally and professionally.

The Challenge
Let’s create a new norm where therapy and mental health is something we do not need to shy away from discussing. Most of us are not shy about seeking medical help, so why be shy about mental health? Tweet us a picture @mhsparc with #EverybodysGotProblems saying you are (or were) in individual or group therapy, you’ve been affected by a mental illness, if you’ve been affected by suicide, or how you've been affected by mental health in general. Let’s not be silent anymore.

Employment with a Mental Illness

Today I tried to work.

I showed up at the Flower Boutique, which my best friend owns, ready to do deliveries. But today is Mother's Day weekend, and she was slammed with orders. So, as she made the baskets, I'd load them and deliver them. We cut it into 3 delivery chunks. The first was supposed to be a breeze. Then I was gonna meet my grandmother for lunch, and head back for the second round.

Oh, but nothing can go easy, and as my plan begins to fray, so do my nerves. At one point I get lost, and make 6 U-turns before I found the entrance to a private community. My heart was pounding, I could barely breathe, the negative self-talk was running rampant. I had no idea where I was going within this private community, that looks like some sort of Resort Hotel thing. That is where the first Ativan came in. I slipped it into my mouth, and 10 minutes later I was able to get out of the car and find the "Wonderful Mother," mentioned on that sweet floral card.

I eventually made it back to the shop, but I had missed lunch. No problem, I told myself, I could pick something up when I picked up my daughter for school, as I made the second run. I knew it would be smoother, I swore to myself it would be seamless. I planned it up, down, and sideways, and gave myself plenty of time. And I did it. I got my girl, delivered the flowers, and made it back to the shop with an hour before the next deliveries went out.

Of course, nothing is without it's flaws. My daughter became bored, but there was not much for her to do, and she had finished her book. My friend had overbooked, and was scrambling to complete the orders that needed to go out tonight. She is pregnant and also has a mental illness, so she was tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically (but who wouldn't be with 27+ orders in a day???). We worked out a plan and got all of the orders made and ready to be delivered. My daughter was sent home, and I had made the map again, so off I went.

As the sun sunk behind the distant hills, I could feel my anxiety rising. My goal was to finish without another Ativan. I told myself I could. I focused on one order at a time, followed my schedule, and was always polite, even when my heart was telling me to run back to the car. I was doing alright until I arrived at a house later than the Mother had wanted. She was not happy, and her husband was on the phone with my boss. It took a while, as I stood by, glancing furtively from left to right, husband to wife, wondering what would happen next. She insisted he send the flowers back, he insisted they were a sign of his love and devotion. Eventually I threw in a box of chocolates and made a mad dash for the car. Thus came Ativan #2.

I finished the rest of the orders relatively without event. All of the orders were delivered except two, which will be made up for tomorrow. Everything turned out fine, and I made it home, safe, where I can lay in bed and relate this tale to you.

I may not be ready to go back to work. There are not a lot of jobs out there that are willing to let you take numerous breaks, smile, nod, and run away from clients, hide in your car and cry, or take medication that changes your mental state so significantly. If it hadn't been my best friend, I don't know if I would still have a job today, but I got out there, I spoke to strangers, and I made it home alive. This is more than I have done in a long time.

And I am proud of me.

-Nikki

Quote of the Week: Motherly Love

"I got to grow up with a mother who taught me to believe in me."

-Antonio Villaraigosa

Image from: http://www.deanthebard.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/mother19.jpg

Love can be expressed in so many ways. There is selfish love, friendly love, unrequited love, and then there is motherly love. Mothers are special because they have known us the longest. They knew us 9 months before we were born, and took care of us even then. Mom's show this love in their own ways. However, if you have a mom in your life, one thing is certain: Their love is about you. Selfish love is about the other person. Friendly love, and even romantic love, can diminish. However, a mother's love is unconditional and forever. A mother will always love you and support you. A mother will believe in you even when you don't believe in yourself, and encourage you until you do. So let's spend this day celebrating the person who celebrates us every day.

Quote of the Week: Everything Changes

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different..."

-C.S Lewis

My fiance and I were eating dinner the other night, and we started reflecting on our history together. Day to day our lives seem pretty routine. She teaches during the day, and I work. Sometimes we meet for dinner, and sometimes I do something else. Then we spend the weekend together, and go to church on Sundays. Our lives have a set schedule. If we focus on that, it seems pretty mundane and boring.

However, in the seven months we have been together, I have acted on stage in two shows and got a new job, she bought a house, and we got engaged. If we focus on that, our lives seem incredibly fast-paced and exciting.

Change is a matter of where you direct your focus. For those of you who have begun your mental health journey, chances are you may not see a big change if you focus on the day to day. You wake up, deal with life the best you can, then go to bed. Seems pretty boring. However, I challenge you to focus on the big picture. Whether you began your mental health recovery a week ago, or you have been on this journey for years, you have made gigantic strides since the beginning. Look back at the person you used to be, and marvel at the person you have become. You are wiser, stronger, and more capable than yesterday. That is the nature of change. You cannot go through the day without learning something, experiencing something, or changing. And that is a pretty awesome thing to think about.

Image from: http://blogs-images.forbes.com/learnvest/files/2014/06/behavior-change-expert-questions.jpg