Realistic Expectations and the New Year

The turkey has been eaten, family has come and left, and the presents have been opened. Now we begin New Years, the time to reflect on our accomplishments this past year and plan for the next year. That being said, the trend continues to be that many people make New Years Resolutions, but not many people keep them. While this seems harmless, the disappointment of failure can be devastating.

Why do so many people not uphold their resolutions? For numerous reasons. For one, resolutions tend to be very vague. For example, "I want to be a better person." Without direction, it can be difficult to know if the resolution has been accomplished or not. Also, some people make unrealistic goals for themselves. For example, "I want a six pack this summer." If you are 10-20 pounds overweight, that may be realistic. However, if you are over 50 pounds overweight, it may be extremely difficult to meet that goal.

When we make a resolution, we develop a fantasy for what we want our life to be like. John Demartini talks about that fantasy and how easy it is to become addicted to that fantasy in his blog, "What Drives a Person to Suicide?" We want our lives to be like the fantasy world we picture in our brains. When our reality doesn't match our fantasy, depressed mood can develop and suicidal thoughts can occur. We can become constantly reminded of how much our lives suck compared to the lives we want.

So what can be done? For one, make realistic expectations this New Year's Eve. If you are shy, do not expect to become the most popular person at school or work. If you have been diagnosed with depression, do not expect the depression to be gone by the end of the year. However, realistic goals can be made. You can tell yourself, "I want to be friends with two new people this year" or "I want to be happy about one thing each week." Then make steps towards that goal. Say hi to the new person at work, or start a weekly gratitude list. Then, and most importantly, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF. Every step of the way deserves recognition, and will reinforce the positive behavior. Before you know it, you'll have improved yourself this upcoming year and make even more improvements the year after that.

For John Demartini's "What Drives a Person to Suicide?" click here.

Reflection and Rumination

For many, this time marks the beginning of the holiday season. The weather is changing, our favorite drinks are available at Starbucks, and many people start making plans for the holidays. This time of year is also a time for reflection. Thanksgiving is often used to reflect on what we are thankful for, Christmas is a time to give back and celebrate those we love, and New Years is a time to reflect on ourselves. With all the reflection people tend to do around this time of year, I thought I would write about the differences between reflection and rumination.

When we spend time on reflection, we relive past experiences and gain wisdom from them. When we ruminate, we obsess over the things that went wrong in the past. When we reflect, bad things cross our mind, but we can deal with them and let them pass. When we ruminate, the bad things become the only things. That one time when you were a teenager and tripped in front of the person you liked suddenly becomes the most important thing in your brain, and there is no room for anything else. And for introverts like myself, rumination happens a lot. I often find myself unable to do anything productive because I am stuck obsessing over something negative. With frequent rumination, depressed mood and thoughts of suicide can easily happen.

So what can be done? The best way to combat negative rumination is with positive rumination. As hard as it is to recognize sometimes, the negative is only part of our world. There are also positive things, and they deserve some recognition. If it is hard for you to find positive memories, force yourself to go out and make some. Give back to the community, now is the best time to do it. Improve your mood by seeing the look of gratitude on the face of someone who needs help. That way, you can reflect on the positive memories and avoid ruminating on the negative ones.

Image from: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDJfxQHzITg9eM2AzTeQ0fFD8B8rFLFeIKT5bgcoFSGN5RvbmsHuIwlQL8fx8iYXLE_bFiLDCVcubdwH4DT4pbb_EBKq8izU-1Oia3Nf234qL5KS7pYfIcsJ79klZ7tq0VZp4R8tXxVPQ/s1600/rumination.jpg

Devil's Snare

I'm one of those people who learns better when I can relate what I learn to something I see or experience. Recently, I learned something valuable about acceptance, and the best way I could relate to it is through the adventures of who I believe to be the best fictional character of all time: Harry Potter.

In Harry's first adventure, he and his friends find themselves trapped in Devil's Snare. This plant responds to movement and binds tighter around its victims the more they move. In order to survive their ordeal with this plant, Harry and friends had to stop struggling against the plant and accept their fate.

I find this lesson applicable to real life. We as a society tend to want to fix things. If anything uncomfortable happens, we want it to go away. Some people self-medicate with alcohol to numb the pain, some couples get divorced to avoid the dysfunction of their relationships, and some people kill themselves because they don't want to feel the way they do.

I remember being in a lot of pain. Pain that I wanted no one to feel, especially not myself. So I hid it. I hid it for years until someone brought it out of me. Once I accepted the pain, it was terrifying. I felt so alone, so vulnerable, so weak. I felt like Harry in the Devil's Snare. However, it became easier for Harry to accept his fate once Hermione accepted hers and made it safely through the Devil's Snare. I eventually made it through my pain thanks to the care of someone else as well. And now I spend my life trying to help others through their pain.

I urge the rest of you to do as Harry did. Don't run from the pain. Accept it. Feel the hurt come through you. Visualize it, personify it, put a name to it. Just don't judge it. Then let it leave when it is ready to, knowing it will always leave eventually. If you know someone going through pain, help them do the same. Help them accept the pain, even if it takes you riding the wave with them. It will be uncomfortable, sure. But it will be worth it.

Image from:https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/82/cd/35/82cd35ed4bee65a9614cb6f9c2c18880.png

For the Harry Potter scene I'm talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGtUBchpS4k

Deciding Who You Are

I recently got married, and, as I was reflecting on the weeks leading up to the wedding, I noticed something interesting. At a certain point, my wife and I got labeled as "the couple getting married." The only things people seemed to talk to us about were how close the wedding was getting or how excited we were. It reminded me of other labels people have on them.

Labels seem to dictate how we behave or act. As we got question after question about the wedding, it was almost as if people were expecting the typical answers of, "We're very excited" or, "I'm getting a little nervous, but it's a good nervous." For those who are diagnosed with a mental illness or who are feeling suicidal, that label applies as well. The typical sad looks and questions of "How are you feeling today?" become so frequent, that mental illness goes from something someone has to something someone is.

The exact opposite is true. Mental illness doesn't own you, it is only a part of you. I am not anxious, I have anxiety sometimes. I also get happy, excited, and calm. People with suicidal thoughts have them for a certain time. They also feel other emotions. Those other emotions, and other unique qualities, need to be celebrated.

I just got married and I have anxiety. I'm also a student, an actor, a mental health worker, and I care immensely for others. We are all unique and special. We deserve acknowledgement of those unique qualities. If you are feeling suicidal, there is help out there. Call the Crisis Hotline, talk to a family member, get heard. Then spend some time with your uniqueness. Find what makes you special, and enjoy yourself. All of yourself. Remember, we get to make our own choices. We get to decide who we are.

Image from: https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQV98EQGm3lKHtzwj_qDm2Lg6IJo99pxu4HL1z4Sb_XTGzJaQuS

Stress and the School Session

Bad days are inevitable. They happen to everyone from the President to a new born baby. Stress can be confusing because sometimes it is good. Yeah, I know, right? Good stress?

First off, we have stress to keep us safe. Our body produces an extra amount of adrenaline during certain times to trigger our fight/flight/freeze response.That was great as we were evolving and we needed to make split second decisions to avoid death. Now, however, our body may trigger those responses when we have a big test, or the cute girl from across the office is smiling at you. It can become overwhelming when your body considers everything a threat. This is the essence of anxiety.

Now, there is good anxiety that's allowed humans to excel in difficult tasks. Anxiety can occur when planning a wedding order or buying a house, and it is completely normal. For those with an anxiety disorder, like me, anxiety occurs when walking in to my home, when I suddenly fear a robber is waiting for me.

With school starting again, even those without anxiety disorders find themselves suffering from increased anxiety. Everything from the difficulty of three courses to the personalities of the teachers triggers a fear response. Because I understand, I'm gonna suggest a few things that may help you to balance the inevitable stress with ways to keep yourself healthy so you don't lose control.

1) Take deep breathes before, during, and after stressful situations. Taking a deep breath allows more oxygen to enter your brain, allowing you to consider every option, and calming your anxiety responses.

2) Do something kind for yourself. This may be taking a bath, or taking a hike. Do something that feels good, for no other reason than it feels good.

3) All things in moderation. You don't want to sit and study for 8 hours and find yourself completely drained. Nor do you want to play a video game for 8 hours when you've got an essay due in the morning that you've yet to begin. Find your balance. Studies suggest taking a short break every 20 minutes, and a longer break every few hours.

4) Find little things that make you smile. I have a sparkly binder, a pen whose eyes pop out, and a lizard pen pouch that looks adorable. Little things that help me function when I'm studying.

5) If you find yourself feeling more anxiety than you can handle, seek out help. Many schools offer counseling services. Almost all insurance plans, including Medi-Cal/Medic-Aid/Medi-Care offer mental health services. If you are a minor, there are still privacy laws in place so that your parents do not have to know, if that is a concern (there are limitations to privacy, regardless of your age).

Do you have those to deal with your stress? Let us know!

Take care of you!

-Nikki

Stability

Stability is an often elusive goal that many with mental illness struggle to obtain. I've struggled to achieve stability for most of my life. Today, I find myself wondering if I will ever find my stability.

In order to assist in achieving stability, I see doctors and therapists every week. We discuss coping skills, medications, and harm reduction.  I forced myself to be completely honest, truly authentic, no matter how hard it may be.

Part of my path to stability has involved forming a support network filled with people I can trust to tell me when I'm falling into old patterns or dangerous situations. This has included family, friends, and medical professionals.

As a person who has struggled to find this happy place filled with consistency, I have a bit of advice for the people searching for their own version of stability.

1) Find help. Having a mental illness is difficult, but there is nothing to be ashamed of. Seek out a therapist, a social worker, a friend, or anyone you can trust.

2) You may not immediately find the type of assistance you need, but that is okay. Try again. Call your local mental health hotline and ask for referrals.

3) Be honest about your struggles. Do you feel sad? Anxious? Are you thinking about dying? Hurting yourself? Is it something different? Maybe something you don't quite understand? It's okay, there is help.

Personally, some days feel more stable than others. Even people without a mental illness have bad days. It's just that for some, these bad days seem more oppressive. In the wake of these negative feelings, remembering the good times becomes nearly impossible. Still, there are good times, we can remember, and we can survive. The negativity, depression, anxiety, and pain, does not need to swallow us.

Do something nice for yourself and remember, this doesn't have you be the end.

Take care of you,

-Nikki

I Know

Sometimes, I get nostalgic and I'll reflect on my life before I accepted my mental illness. I like to see how much I have changed since those days where every minute seemed like a struggle. In those days, I remember my father giving me advice and telling me things I should have been practicing already. Things like, "Don't give money away unless you have a lot of it" and, "Treat yourself with respect, because you are the most important person in your life." Back then, my favorite response was, "I know."

I think we have tendency to say, "I know" in response to advice we are not ready to hear. And honestly, I think we do know a lot of what is said to us. Those with suicidal thoughts can easily look up the dangers of suicide online. They can know that information pretty easily. If people trying to help quickly tell the person they shouldn't attempt suicide, the immediate response is "I know." We live in a generation where we can know a lot of information. That doesn't mean that knowledge holds any meaning for us.

I think we need to make a movement away from knowing things, and move towards understanding things. We can do that by studying experiences. If we explore what a person has experienced, we will understand so much more than common knowledge that can be found online. And, if we focus on understanding, the things we say, "I know" to will have much more meaning. It wasn't until I understood why I gave people money that I didn't have or treat others with more respect than I gave myself that those things my father told me started making sense to me.

Therefore, start focusing on understanding. The more you understand a person's experience and why they think a certain way, the more you will be able to help that person. That way, we can move from a generation of "I know" to a generation of "I understand".

Image from: http://www.tru-access.com/images/do-you-understand.jpg

A Little Bit of Courage

"Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway."

-The Doctor
  Doctor Who

    It is so easy to lose courage. The world is filled with new and terrifying possibilities, and it is so easy to give up and stay in the comfortable than it is to do something uncomfortable and risk everything you know.

    I've made my life in the uncomfortable, doing things I ordinarily wouldn't do. I was an awkward adolescent, so I joined a social fraternity in college. I had a speech impediment when I was younger and couldn't talk well; now I make a living talking to others. I had horrible stage fright growing up; now I'm an actor on stage. I refused to let anything limit me. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to find courage. There are so many days where I didn't want to get out of bed. In fact, there are still days where I think how marvelous it would be to fake an illness and stay home all day.

   I imagine many of you have felt the same fear I have felt. Some may have succumbed to that fear. Some may have found that the imaginary world under the sheets is a lot more alluring than the real world outside of them. But courage isn't ignoring that fear. Turning a blind eye to something scary doesn't make you courageous, it makes you blind. Courageous people are the ones who live in the uncomfortable. They get up and do what needs to be done, trembles and all. And honestly, the uncomfortable is where the most progress gets made, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

   So, I challenge everyone reading this to do one thing that they have always wanted to do. I'm not saying quit your job or move across the world, but pick a manageable goal of yours and make that first step today. Maybe there's a boy or girl you like and are afraid to ask out. Or maybe there's a hobby you wanted to pursue but haven't yet. Stop making excuses and take that first step. I'm not saying it won't be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it. All it takes is a little bit of courage.

Image from: http://crosscut.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/courage_graphic_jakobsdiary-550x440.jpg

Hidden Inspiration

"I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of leadership are universal and are often about finding ways of encouraging people to combine their efforts, their talents, their insights, their enthusiasm and their inspiration to work together."

-Queen Elizabeth II

 I feel like I am pretty successful. However, I have no idea how I became that way. I, like Queen Elizabeth II, don't think there is a certain formula for being successful. I believe anyone can become successful, regardless of the circumstances. However, I do believe that, out of everything that can possibly make someone successful, inspiration is the most important.

I feel that those who are suicidal have lost inspiration. It can be easy to not be inspired to do anything when nothing brings you joy. It is also easy to get caught up in a boring, mundane schedule and lose inspiration that way. Or maybe you are getting ready to go back to school and are not able to find any inspiration to begin the school year. Whatever the circumstance, I feel like that lack of inspiration keeps us from being successful. 

When there is no inspiration, our choices become even more important. Without inspiration, it can be easier to choose the negative. That means telling ourselves that nothing brings us joy because we don't deserve joy, or refusing to change the schedule because we know the schedule is safe, or even affirming in our mind that this will be a crappy school year. However, we can always choose the positive. With the positive comes inspiration. Saying it will be a good school year brings positive experiences and the opportunity to make new friends. Changing the schedule brings the chance for something new to inspire you. For me, refusing to give in to thoughts of suicide led to the inspiration to go into mental health. Whatever your inspiration, it can be hard to find it unless you give yourself the opportunity to do so. 

Image from: http://designcollector.net/files/inspiration-typography09-27.jpg

I win

Found on Facebook

Every single day is hard. Every. Single. Day. I just got home from the third night of grad school and I can only sob.

I have severe anxiety issues. Signing up for grad school was a huge step, but I have ended every night in tears. BUT I have made it to class every single night. I have stayed the whole time. I have answered questions, spoken to my classmates, taken notes, and sat through the entire 4.5 hour class.

I asked my therapist for some help finding calming techniques so I am not stuck taking my emergency medication 4 times a day. The one that has worked for me so far is the extended exhales.

1. Take a deep, calming breathe.
2. Exhale.
3. Take another breathe, slowly, make it last 2 counts.
4. Exhale should take 2 counts as well.
5. Inhale 2 counts.
6. Exhale 4 counts.
7. Inhale 3 counts.
8. Exhale 5 counts.

You get the idea, right? When I can think straight again, I try to continue my activity. This one is easy because no one else is really paying attention to my breathing. I can take a moment in the middle of class and just focus.

I get so overwhelmed so easily now. I am facing so many of my fears at once. I am out after dark, I am in a room filled with other grad students, I am facing judgment every day. For some people this is completely normal, even simple. For me, I have to talk myself into driving to class. I play empowering music and say mantras. “I can succeed. I deserve success. I have worked hard and I can do this.” This is just to drive to the school. Getting inside requires an empty lobby and hopefully nobody in the elevator. Once I am in the building, getting to class and “setting up” has a bit of an obsessive quality to it.

Then I notice the other students. No one sits near me. No one wants to talk to me.. My comments are made solely to the professor. I go to breaks alone, I study during lunch. I feel so ostracised.

So, after all of that negativity swarming through my head, I gather my belongings and leave. A whole different experience happens in the truck. I cry freely as I drive myself home. I decompress and let everything out. I come home and I am a mess for a little while.

So here I have laid out exactly what I go through, and how challenging every class session is for me. But I win. I win every single time. I go to class. I do the work. I study in my free time. I make note cards. I take my emergency medication and I function. I win.

I think the trick will be to keep winning, every single day, after I fall apart. I may struggle during a regular, no school day, because I have to go to Walmart, that horrible, place filled with people and things, and disorganization and so many people! Still, I win. I win because I go in, and do what I must, and I succeed.

You can win as well. Do what is hard. Keep yourself safe, use your coping mechanisms, use your skills, but you can do this! You can win.

Take care of you,

Nikki

Zero to Hero

      For those of you who don't know, I am a Disney fan. I have seen almost every Disney movie multiple times, and the songs are always stuck in my head. Today, however, my mind has been stuck on a particular scene from the movie Hercules.

     In the movie, Hercules is sent to live a mortal life, where his amazing strength seems to always make a mess of things. He does not fit in, gets teased, and he eventually develops a sense of worthlessness. This is similar to a lot of people, myself included. Even if we aren't being teased, depression and suicidal thoughts can come from a sense of worthlessness and feeling like you don't fit in.

    On his pursuit to find his meaning in life, Hercules becomes a warrior. It isn't until he wins his first battle that people start recognizing and praising him. He quickly becomes popular and starts to finally feel like he belongs to something. He goes from a zero to a hero.

    This shows the power people have in our lives. Praise and recognition can go a long way and can completely turn someone's life around. We aren't always aware of our negative comments and the effect they can have on people. However, even a little bit of praise can greatly improve a person's mood. And the more positive we are towards other people, the more positive we feel ourselves. We can help someone who feels like a zero feel like a hero instead, and we can help ourselves in the process.

For more from Hercules: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa0lMzaljTk

Preparations Leading to Mania

In the last post I made I mentioned I had signed up for the MS program at a local university. Since then I have torpedoed the progress I have made and went mega manic.

Mania, for me, is so crazy. I become impulsive, irritable, euphoric, sexual, and I seem to move at a million miles a minute. I know this about myself. I am certain I have written about it before. This time I spent way too much money “school shopping,” I yelled at one of the only people who is always on my side, I made rash decisions, and I self-injured. Bad decisions, I know. Right now, I am still manic but I am trying to manage my symptoms.

I have been working a lot with DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy. According to PsychCentral, DBT was developed in the 1980’s by Marsha Linehan for use primarily with patients with borderline personality disorder, who have a tendency to experience extreme mood changes. The therapy form focuses on making patients aware of their emotions and helping them to manage their reactions to these emotions.

The DBT book we are using is the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Handbook used in Fulton State Hospital in 2004. This book advises using 3 techniques during painful events or emotions. I have adapted them for use when I am especially manic. Remember, take what works and leave the rest.

1. Distract yourself! The handbook uses the acronym ACCEPTS to help you remember.
1. A - Activities: Use activities to distract yourself. I like to play games and read. Basically, keep busy.
2. C - Contributing: Get your mind off yourself by contributing to those around you, whether that is volunteer work or just helping out your mom with the dishes.
3. C - Comparisons: Basically, it could be worse. I don’t really like this one, but if it works for you, focus on how there is always something that could be more wrong.
4. E - Emotions: Do something to make you feel differently. I read. Getting involved in someone else’s life helps to take the focus off of my own.
5. P - Pushing Away: Meditate or find another way of blocking out those emotions until you are ready to deal with them.
6. T - Thoughts: Use distracting thoughts. Try not to think about that pink elephant in the room. SEE! You are thinking about it! And maybe not your problem.
7. S - Senses: Focus on what you are experiencing in that moment, the smell of the room, the sound of traffic, the feel of your clothes, whatever works for you.

2. Self-Soothe your 5 senses
1. Vision: Notice what you see and find pleasant things to look at.
2. Hearing: Pay attention to what you can hear around you. This is one I use frequently. I can listen to the repetitive sounds of traffic or the fan blowing or music.
3. Smell: Be aware of the memories that smells can bring. Surround yourself with scents that trigger positive emotions. I like lavender, sandlewood, and baby powder.
4. Taste: Carefully savor what you eat, noticing all of the flavors.
5. Touch: Find comfort in what you can feel.  I react especially well to cold. Figure out what feeling you like and carry something with you that allows you to feel that.

3. Finally, you can IMPROVE the moment.
1. I - Imagery: Imagine a serene scene. Visualize your happy place and go there. A woman once taught me to visualize myself washing a load of dishes when I was feeling overwhelmed. I still use that technique.
2. M - Meaning: Find or create purpose or value in your pain. This is when you start looking for those silver linings.
3. P - Prayer/Peace: Open up to the peace that is available to you. For some that means praying to a greater being, for others it is simply meditating on peace.
4. R - Relaxation: Use muscle relaxation techniques by tensing and relaxing each muscle group in turn. Lay flat and pretend you are a sandbag with a leak. Slowly relax each part of your body in turn as the sand runs out through the hole.
5. O - One Thing: Just focus on one thing, anything. Focus entirely on that thing. Right now i am feeling each key I type, I am listening to the clickety-clack, and I am watching each letter form a word.
6. V - Vacation: Get in bed and pull the covers over your head. You are on a 20 minute vacation. Play beach sounds with your eyes closed. You are on an island with no worries.
7. E - Encourage yourself. Repeat “I can!” Accomplish little tasks to build your confidence.

Not all of these will work for everyone, but one of them might work for you. I know I have a few of mine,  by which I made little notes (they look like this).

I know when mania hits my life can go crazy, but by reaching out to my support system and using my skills, I know I can get through without too much damage. Suicidal ideation has a constant presence in my life, especially when I am manic, so I am sure to keep the emergency numbers on hand. The National Suicide Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) or the Kern County Mental Health Hotline at 1 (800) 991-5272.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

What About Now?

"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them."

-Jack Canfield

     I work an 8-5 job that pays me well to do what I love. I'm excelling in a Master's program that will let me do even more of what I love. I'm getting married in a few months to the love of my life. I have a family and friends that are a constant source of love and support. I have so much good in my life. Why do I hate myself?

     This is the dialogue that constantly goes through my head, and I am probably not alone. It is so easy for those with mental illness to lose focus and dwell on the negative. We can plan out step by step what we need to do for the day, then think, "But what about that embarrassing thing that happened yesterday?" We dwell on those little mistakes, and they eventually grow into depression, self-hatred, and even suicidal thoughts. We lose track of our accomplishments, and we even stop acknowledging them. We lose our focus, and sometimes it seems impossible to get it back. 

     There is hope. I don't necessarily agree with the quote. I don't think success is just given to those who remain focused. I think it is given to those who can get that focus back. In order to get that focus back, I think we need get used to bragging about ourselves. We dwell on what's wrong so much, but dwelling on what's right for an hour or so is not the major crime we sometimes think it is. That way, we can stop worrying about past mistakes or possible future mistakes. We can focus on the present. So, when you find your mind wandering to things you wish you did differently, ask yourself, "What about now?"

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July 2015 Update

Hello ya’ll! I wanted to give you an update on the work we have been doing.

SPARC Events

Since our first SPARC meeting in May 2014, we have had three meetings with members of the community and local mental health organizations, attended various events around the community, and provided trainings for Question, Persuade, and Refer (QPR) and Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST).
One of our memorable events include the recent May is Mental Health Awareness Month event at CSUB. We had so many people visit our booth, we ran out of stress kits.



One Year Anniversary for Facebook

July 16th was our one year anniversary since we launched the SPARC Facebook page. Since the first month, we have had an increase in likes by 62%! We are especially thankful for those who have been kind enough to like, share, and comment on our content we provide. And we are thankful for having organizations in the community work towards bringing awareness to suicide, such as Marley’s Mutts and Houchin Blood Bank with our #EverybodysGotProblems campaign.

Future Events and Projects


Suicide Prevention Day in September

Some of the plans we have for our social media accounts (both Facebook and Twitter) include a campaign for suicide awareness and prevention for the month of September; Suicide Prevention Day is 9/10. What I want to do is get quotes from those in our community about how suicide affects you and take pictures so we can share your experiences. After all, suicide does not discriminate and as soon as we can make it safe to talk about suicide, the easier it will be to reach out for help. So if you’re willing to be quoted and possibly have your picture taken, email me at mhsparc@gmail.com.

Suicide Prevention Pet Photos

I am also trying to reach out to local organizations to see if we can take pictures of rescue cats and dogs for our “Suicide Prevention Pet” photos. We want to educate the community about suicide prevention and mental health maintenance through photos of adorable animals. Hopefully, we can get an organization to work with us. Regardless, if you would like your pet to be a suicide prevention pet on our SPARC page, email us so we can set something up.

Take care!

- Alison

The future is beginning

Today I signed the paperwork to start my MS program. This means I have committed myself to three arduous years of improvement. At the end of those three years I will take a few tests, and hopefully be able to find a wonderful job.

I am scared out of my mind. What if this is the wrong decision? What if I hate it? What if I don't, but I just can't hack it? What if I am not good enough?

I think that is the basic question right there. Still, I made the grades to get in, I have the references of some of the people I admire most in the world telling me I shall excel. There is just so much on the line, and a lot can change in three years.

The online portion was pretty simple. I filled out the application and sent an e-mail expressing interest. But then he wanted to meet me in person. That makes sense, right? Since the class is on-campus and I will be seeing a professor 2-3 times a week. So, I doll-up, take my medicine, do the deep breathing and positive mantras and all the little things I was taught to do when I was afraid. Then I disassociated from that fear, walked in, and blew this guys mind.

Okay, I may be giving myself a little more credit that I deserve, but I did not stumble over my words, I sold myself just like I used to when I was younger, before I realized how easily the world could tear me apart. I smiled, I made jokes and laughed at his, and then I asked, "So when will I know if I have been accepted?" and he smiled back and said, "Right now. You're in."

I left to have lunch and I allowed all of those emotions to wash over me. I cried in my truck, I congratulated myself, I shook, and took my emergency medication. Then I drove over and had lunch with my boyfriend, a constant source of support. I had to go back to the University to speak to the admissions clerk, and I was my normal, shy, self.

I made it through, I signed up for a graduate program, and now I am home and attempting to relax. All of the problems that can occur are speeding through my head, but I know if I can stay positive, I can make it. I have already e-mailed my therapist, my support system knows I am struggling. Now it is just the process of moving forward and doing the course work.

It is not always easy, having a mental illness, struggling with suicidal ideation, makes these tasks significantly more difficult. Allow us to empower one another, speak up, and destroy the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Mental illness will not stop me from accomplishing my goals, as long as I plan for it, and I use my support system.

If I find myself being overwhelmed, I will use self-disclosure. When depression sets in, I will check in with my psychiatrist and ensure I am med-compliant.

I can do this.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

Hidden Meaning

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” 

― Albert Camus

           There is so much advice on where to find happiness. People say you need to find a job that makes you happy. Others say you should be successful, or find true love. While this may work for some people, everyone is different. If you are suicidal or depressed, you may not know what happiness is. You may be searching for it and think it is something you can find.

           The sad truth is, you can't. You can't find happiness anywhere because it is inside of you. No one can describe true happiness to you. No one can tell you what it looks like or feels like to be happy. That is because no one is quite like yourself. Happiness is inside of you, and true joy exists in experiencing it. However, the only way to figure out what it feels like to be happy is to experience every other emotion as well. That means sometimes you have to embrace sadness and not run away from it. Truly feel your own emotions, and get to know yourself. Therefore, you will see what every emotion looks like to you. Then you can choose the happy emotions. I believe that is how we should frame it. Don't search for happiness or the meaning of life, for those things already exist inside of you. Instead, choose life. Choose happiness. Those choices will give you the satisfaction you deserve.

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Untapped Potential

I got to see a new born today. I brand new, just out of the womb, baby. Seriously, he had been alive and breathing for little more than an hour. It made me think, when we are born, there is no promise to uphold, no lingering doubts. We are born and simply are. We do not make the decision to be here, but suddenly we are thrust into a world, whether it is prepared for us or not.

Now, some of us are born to families that love us and are thrilled to have us, and others of us are born to those who could not be more terrified, indifferent, or unhappy that we are here. Regardless of that, if you are reading this, you have grown, and lived, and now you can read! Congratulations on that. You have made it to today, and I know that is not easy.

Simply existing can be a hardship. Getting out of bed can take all of my strength, but it was not always like that. There was a time when waking up was inevitable. The day we are born, research shows, we do not register fear, or sadness, or even anger. Studies suggest we register interest and distress. Basically, we experience something new and then we voice it if we do not like it. That is it. When I saw this little boy in his mother’s arms, his eyes searching the room, I began to sob. I just realized, he can be anything, do anything, his future is limitless in this moment.

We all had that moment. Regardless of what happened next, of who our parents were, of what our illness is, of what our trials have been, we had a moment when anything was possible. Now I am wondering, when did that moment go away?

Did it disappear suddenly the first time I saw something bad happen?

Can a blame a parent, guardian, or childhood bully for robbing me of my potential?

Is it my abuser’s fault?

Do I still have it? Can I do anything?

So maybe I can’t be the next Olympic figure skater to win gold, and I won’t be joining the Moscow Ballet, but I can still do stuff. I have potential. Why am I allowing all the people who have done bad things to me to stop me from accomplishing something today?

Taking steps is not always easy. That something can be scary, difficult, maybe impossible as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means, take it in steps.

1. Pre-contemplation: This may be where you are right now, toying around with an idea. You may be looking for reasons not to do as you have been considering.
2. Contemplation: You are thinking more seriously about this idea, this thing… it seems like maybe, it could be real.
3. Preparation: You’re serious now. You’ve told someone, you’re planning it out. Thinking about writing a book? Do an outline. Want to run a 5k? Buy tennis shoes, or even just socks. You are making preparations to make this thing a reality.
4. Action: Start with the first step. If you want to run a marathon, it may start with a walk around the block. Losing 100 pounds starts with losing one pound. Write the first word of your novel, or visit an advisor that can help you pick classes to go back to school. Whatever it is, it happens here, slowly, but surely.
5. Maintenance: Keep it up. You lost that 100 pounds, now don’t gain it back. You ran that marathon, keep in shape. You wrote the novel, be proud! You’ve done it, now just don’t stop!

There is no reason I can’t do something today, I decided. So, today I am writing this piece. I am writing something, a little bird in your ear, saying you can… that thing you thought about doing yesterday? Do it now. YOU CAN! And so can I.

A Relationship Built on Understanding

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood."

-Lucius Annaeus Seneca

     One of the most important human desires is to be understood. We long to have someone understand what we are going through. We want to feel supported more than we want someone to fix things for us. This is especially true when someone has thoughts of suicide. Understanding the person's situation is much more important than "fixing" it. 

    I believe there is a correlation between friendship and understanding. Friendships are strengthened through understanding. The more someone understands you, the more likely you are to be that person's friend and be close to that friend. However, the opposite is also true. If we want to be understood, we have to take time to understand others. That involves taking time to truly comprehend what a person is saying and reflecting back what they say. By doing that, the person will feel closer to you, and maybe be willing to reciprocate the same level of understanding. 

    Having close relationships with other people is a key aspect of both suicide intervention and prevention. The closer you are with someone, the more likely you are to tell them what you are feeling. Also, they will be more likely to help if that friendship is built on mutual understanding. Therefore, surround yourself with people who understand you and try reciprocating the service yourself. Feeling understood is one of the best feelings we can feel for ourselves. 

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"Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect."

-Thomas S. Monson

      At a young age I was taught to respect other people. To this day, I hold high regard for those who are able to respect other people, and disrespect is one of my biggest pet peeves. I feel we live in an age where this is becoming even more importance. We as a society are putting extra emphasis on respect for others. However, there is little emphasis towards self-respect. Many people are quick to give up their own needs for other people, which results in damaged self-respect. It is quite a test of our integrity to not damage our self-respect, and one that many of us fail. 

     Lack of self-respect manifests itself in many different ways. I know I am guilty of staying up late to console a sad friend, or skipping lunch to get extra work done. Others may sacrifice time originally dedicated to themselves in order to take care of others. If you are a parent, this may be especially true. However, the more time we take away from ourselves, the more disconnected we become. Eventually we lose track of who we are, and we become someone we no longer like. This can make us more likely to consider suicide as an option when trying to deal with our own problems. 

     However, just because we damage our self-respect doesn't mean we have failed the test. Most people are damaged, that is a byproduct of life. But we are never beyond repair. Start doing things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. RESPECT yourself. You have to spend all of your life with yourself. Might as well make yourself someone you want to spend time with. 

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To be Weak is to be Strong

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

-CS Lewis

I feel like I am a human paradox at times when it comes to sharing. There are moments when I am begging to be asked questions like, "How was your day?" or, "How do you feel?" just so I can get emotions off of my chest. However, when someone actually asks me these questions, I freeze up and all that comes out is, "I'm fine" or "It was OK." To actually share emotions can be a terrifying thing.

I believe this conundrum affects people with suicidal thoughts as well. There is both a need to let out emotion and a fear that we won't be understood when we do. We feel broken, but we feel like, if we share and others don't accept us, we will become even more broken. Therefore, the people who most need love and acceptance may end up pushing away the ones who can give it to them.

I'm here to tell you there is power in vulnerability. When you bypass the emotional barriers put there by years of stress, anxiety, and other insecurities, you can finally be real with yourself and with others. There is something to be said about being vulnerable. It is therapeutic to release emotion. And the amazing thing is, when someone is vulnerable with their partner, family member, or even close friend, the response is usually compassion.

It is against our tendency to be vulnerable and show emotion. However, I feel like it is also a human need to be understood on a deep, emotional level. Therefore, I challenge everyone to be vulnerable today. Find the person you trust the most, and tell him or her your deepest insecurity. Then, ask the same and respond with compassion. To be vulnerable is to show love,  to be emotional is to be compassionate, and to be weak is to be strong.

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