I Know

Sometimes, I get nostalgic and I'll reflect on my life before I accepted my mental illness. I like to see how much I have changed since those days where every minute seemed like a struggle. In those days, I remember my father giving me advice and telling me things I should have been practicing already. Things like, "Don't give money away unless you have a lot of it" and, "Treat yourself with respect, because you are the most important person in your life." Back then, my favorite response was, "I know."

I think we have tendency to say, "I know" in response to advice we are not ready to hear. And honestly, I think we do know a lot of what is said to us. Those with suicidal thoughts can easily look up the dangers of suicide online. They can know that information pretty easily. If people trying to help quickly tell the person they shouldn't attempt suicide, the immediate response is "I know." We live in a generation where we can know a lot of information. That doesn't mean that knowledge holds any meaning for us.

I think we need to make a movement away from knowing things, and move towards understanding things. We can do that by studying experiences. If we explore what a person has experienced, we will understand so much more than common knowledge that can be found online. And, if we focus on understanding, the things we say, "I know" to will have much more meaning. It wasn't until I understood why I gave people money that I didn't have or treat others with more respect than I gave myself that those things my father told me started making sense to me.

Therefore, start focusing on understanding. The more you understand a person's experience and why they think a certain way, the more you will be able to help that person. That way, we can move from a generation of "I know" to a generation of "I understand".

Image from: http://www.tru-access.com/images/do-you-understand.jpg

A Little Bit of Courage

"Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway."

-The Doctor
  Doctor Who

    It is so easy to lose courage. The world is filled with new and terrifying possibilities, and it is so easy to give up and stay in the comfortable than it is to do something uncomfortable and risk everything you know.

    I've made my life in the uncomfortable, doing things I ordinarily wouldn't do. I was an awkward adolescent, so I joined a social fraternity in college. I had a speech impediment when I was younger and couldn't talk well; now I make a living talking to others. I had horrible stage fright growing up; now I'm an actor on stage. I refused to let anything limit me. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to find courage. There are so many days where I didn't want to get out of bed. In fact, there are still days where I think how marvelous it would be to fake an illness and stay home all day.

   I imagine many of you have felt the same fear I have felt. Some may have succumbed to that fear. Some may have found that the imaginary world under the sheets is a lot more alluring than the real world outside of them. But courage isn't ignoring that fear. Turning a blind eye to something scary doesn't make you courageous, it makes you blind. Courageous people are the ones who live in the uncomfortable. They get up and do what needs to be done, trembles and all. And honestly, the uncomfortable is where the most progress gets made, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

   So, I challenge everyone reading this to do one thing that they have always wanted to do. I'm not saying quit your job or move across the world, but pick a manageable goal of yours and make that first step today. Maybe there's a boy or girl you like and are afraid to ask out. Or maybe there's a hobby you wanted to pursue but haven't yet. Stop making excuses and take that first step. I'm not saying it won't be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it. All it takes is a little bit of courage.

Image from: http://crosscut.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/courage_graphic_jakobsdiary-550x440.jpg

Hidden Inspiration

"I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of leadership are universal and are often about finding ways of encouraging people to combine their efforts, their talents, their insights, their enthusiasm and their inspiration to work together."

-Queen Elizabeth II

 I feel like I am pretty successful. However, I have no idea how I became that way. I, like Queen Elizabeth II, don't think there is a certain formula for being successful. I believe anyone can become successful, regardless of the circumstances. However, I do believe that, out of everything that can possibly make someone successful, inspiration is the most important.

I feel that those who are suicidal have lost inspiration. It can be easy to not be inspired to do anything when nothing brings you joy. It is also easy to get caught up in a boring, mundane schedule and lose inspiration that way. Or maybe you are getting ready to go back to school and are not able to find any inspiration to begin the school year. Whatever the circumstance, I feel like that lack of inspiration keeps us from being successful. 

When there is no inspiration, our choices become even more important. Without inspiration, it can be easier to choose the negative. That means telling ourselves that nothing brings us joy because we don't deserve joy, or refusing to change the schedule because we know the schedule is safe, or even affirming in our mind that this will be a crappy school year. However, we can always choose the positive. With the positive comes inspiration. Saying it will be a good school year brings positive experiences and the opportunity to make new friends. Changing the schedule brings the chance for something new to inspire you. For me, refusing to give in to thoughts of suicide led to the inspiration to go into mental health. Whatever your inspiration, it can be hard to find it unless you give yourself the opportunity to do so. 

Image from: http://designcollector.net/files/inspiration-typography09-27.jpg

I win

Found on Facebook

Every single day is hard. Every. Single. Day. I just got home from the third night of grad school and I can only sob.

I have severe anxiety issues. Signing up for grad school was a huge step, but I have ended every night in tears. BUT I have made it to class every single night. I have stayed the whole time. I have answered questions, spoken to my classmates, taken notes, and sat through the entire 4.5 hour class.

I asked my therapist for some help finding calming techniques so I am not stuck taking my emergency medication 4 times a day. The one that has worked for me so far is the extended exhales.

1. Take a deep, calming breathe.
2. Exhale.
3. Take another breathe, slowly, make it last 2 counts.
4. Exhale should take 2 counts as well.
5. Inhale 2 counts.
6. Exhale 4 counts.
7. Inhale 3 counts.
8. Exhale 5 counts.

You get the idea, right? When I can think straight again, I try to continue my activity. This one is easy because no one else is really paying attention to my breathing. I can take a moment in the middle of class and just focus.

I get so overwhelmed so easily now. I am facing so many of my fears at once. I am out after dark, I am in a room filled with other grad students, I am facing judgment every day. For some people this is completely normal, even simple. For me, I have to talk myself into driving to class. I play empowering music and say mantras. “I can succeed. I deserve success. I have worked hard and I can do this.” This is just to drive to the school. Getting inside requires an empty lobby and hopefully nobody in the elevator. Once I am in the building, getting to class and “setting up” has a bit of an obsessive quality to it.

Then I notice the other students. No one sits near me. No one wants to talk to me.. My comments are made solely to the professor. I go to breaks alone, I study during lunch. I feel so ostracised.

So, after all of that negativity swarming through my head, I gather my belongings and leave. A whole different experience happens in the truck. I cry freely as I drive myself home. I decompress and let everything out. I come home and I am a mess for a little while.

So here I have laid out exactly what I go through, and how challenging every class session is for me. But I win. I win every single time. I go to class. I do the work. I study in my free time. I make note cards. I take my emergency medication and I function. I win.

I think the trick will be to keep winning, every single day, after I fall apart. I may struggle during a regular, no school day, because I have to go to Walmart, that horrible, place filled with people and things, and disorganization and so many people! Still, I win. I win because I go in, and do what I must, and I succeed.

You can win as well. Do what is hard. Keep yourself safe, use your coping mechanisms, use your skills, but you can do this! You can win.

Take care of you,

Nikki

Zero to Hero

      For those of you who don't know, I am a Disney fan. I have seen almost every Disney movie multiple times, and the songs are always stuck in my head. Today, however, my mind has been stuck on a particular scene from the movie Hercules.

     In the movie, Hercules is sent to live a mortal life, where his amazing strength seems to always make a mess of things. He does not fit in, gets teased, and he eventually develops a sense of worthlessness. This is similar to a lot of people, myself included. Even if we aren't being teased, depression and suicidal thoughts can come from a sense of worthlessness and feeling like you don't fit in.

    On his pursuit to find his meaning in life, Hercules becomes a warrior. It isn't until he wins his first battle that people start recognizing and praising him. He quickly becomes popular and starts to finally feel like he belongs to something. He goes from a zero to a hero.

    This shows the power people have in our lives. Praise and recognition can go a long way and can completely turn someone's life around. We aren't always aware of our negative comments and the effect they can have on people. However, even a little bit of praise can greatly improve a person's mood. And the more positive we are towards other people, the more positive we feel ourselves. We can help someone who feels like a zero feel like a hero instead, and we can help ourselves in the process.

For more from Hercules: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa0lMzaljTk

Preparations Leading to Mania

In the last post I made I mentioned I had signed up for the MS program at a local university. Since then I have torpedoed the progress I have made and went mega manic.

Mania, for me, is so crazy. I become impulsive, irritable, euphoric, sexual, and I seem to move at a million miles a minute. I know this about myself. I am certain I have written about it before. This time I spent way too much money “school shopping,” I yelled at one of the only people who is always on my side, I made rash decisions, and I self-injured. Bad decisions, I know. Right now, I am still manic but I am trying to manage my symptoms.

I have been working a lot with DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy. According to PsychCentral, DBT was developed in the 1980’s by Marsha Linehan for use primarily with patients with borderline personality disorder, who have a tendency to experience extreme mood changes. The therapy form focuses on making patients aware of their emotions and helping them to manage their reactions to these emotions.

The DBT book we are using is the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Handbook used in Fulton State Hospital in 2004. This book advises using 3 techniques during painful events or emotions. I have adapted them for use when I am especially manic. Remember, take what works and leave the rest.

1. Distract yourself! The handbook uses the acronym ACCEPTS to help you remember.
1. A - Activities: Use activities to distract yourself. I like to play games and read. Basically, keep busy.
2. C - Contributing: Get your mind off yourself by contributing to those around you, whether that is volunteer work or just helping out your mom with the dishes.
3. C - Comparisons: Basically, it could be worse. I don’t really like this one, but if it works for you, focus on how there is always something that could be more wrong.
4. E - Emotions: Do something to make you feel differently. I read. Getting involved in someone else’s life helps to take the focus off of my own.
5. P - Pushing Away: Meditate or find another way of blocking out those emotions until you are ready to deal with them.
6. T - Thoughts: Use distracting thoughts. Try not to think about that pink elephant in the room. SEE! You are thinking about it! And maybe not your problem.
7. S - Senses: Focus on what you are experiencing in that moment, the smell of the room, the sound of traffic, the feel of your clothes, whatever works for you.

2. Self-Soothe your 5 senses
1. Vision: Notice what you see and find pleasant things to look at.
2. Hearing: Pay attention to what you can hear around you. This is one I use frequently. I can listen to the repetitive sounds of traffic or the fan blowing or music.
3. Smell: Be aware of the memories that smells can bring. Surround yourself with scents that trigger positive emotions. I like lavender, sandlewood, and baby powder.
4. Taste: Carefully savor what you eat, noticing all of the flavors.
5. Touch: Find comfort in what you can feel.  I react especially well to cold. Figure out what feeling you like and carry something with you that allows you to feel that.

3. Finally, you can IMPROVE the moment.
1. I - Imagery: Imagine a serene scene. Visualize your happy place and go there. A woman once taught me to visualize myself washing a load of dishes when I was feeling overwhelmed. I still use that technique.
2. M - Meaning: Find or create purpose or value in your pain. This is when you start looking for those silver linings.
3. P - Prayer/Peace: Open up to the peace that is available to you. For some that means praying to a greater being, for others it is simply meditating on peace.
4. R - Relaxation: Use muscle relaxation techniques by tensing and relaxing each muscle group in turn. Lay flat and pretend you are a sandbag with a leak. Slowly relax each part of your body in turn as the sand runs out through the hole.
5. O - One Thing: Just focus on one thing, anything. Focus entirely on that thing. Right now i am feeling each key I type, I am listening to the clickety-clack, and I am watching each letter form a word.
6. V - Vacation: Get in bed and pull the covers over your head. You are on a 20 minute vacation. Play beach sounds with your eyes closed. You are on an island with no worries.
7. E - Encourage yourself. Repeat “I can!” Accomplish little tasks to build your confidence.

Not all of these will work for everyone, but one of them might work for you. I know I have a few of mine,  by which I made little notes (they look like this).

I know when mania hits my life can go crazy, but by reaching out to my support system and using my skills, I know I can get through without too much damage. Suicidal ideation has a constant presence in my life, especially when I am manic, so I am sure to keep the emergency numbers on hand. The National Suicide Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) or the Kern County Mental Health Hotline at 1 (800) 991-5272.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

What About Now?

"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them."

-Jack Canfield

     I work an 8-5 job that pays me well to do what I love. I'm excelling in a Master's program that will let me do even more of what I love. I'm getting married in a few months to the love of my life. I have a family and friends that are a constant source of love and support. I have so much good in my life. Why do I hate myself?

     This is the dialogue that constantly goes through my head, and I am probably not alone. It is so easy for those with mental illness to lose focus and dwell on the negative. We can plan out step by step what we need to do for the day, then think, "But what about that embarrassing thing that happened yesterday?" We dwell on those little mistakes, and they eventually grow into depression, self-hatred, and even suicidal thoughts. We lose track of our accomplishments, and we even stop acknowledging them. We lose our focus, and sometimes it seems impossible to get it back. 

     There is hope. I don't necessarily agree with the quote. I don't think success is just given to those who remain focused. I think it is given to those who can get that focus back. In order to get that focus back, I think we need get used to bragging about ourselves. We dwell on what's wrong so much, but dwelling on what's right for an hour or so is not the major crime we sometimes think it is. That way, we can stop worrying about past mistakes or possible future mistakes. We can focus on the present. So, when you find your mind wandering to things you wish you did differently, ask yourself, "What about now?"

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