Stardust

Original art - Nikki K.

Quote of the Week: Changing Thinking

"Change your thoughts and you change your world."

-Norman Vincent Peale

Growing up, I was always told, "If you don't like something, change it." I always thought that was easier said than done. Change is a long process. When I was a child, I had a speech impediment. That didn't go away with the snap of a finger. It took years of therapy in order for me to learn how to talk correctly.

However, once I did learn how to talk correctly, my whole world changed. It was easier for me to come out of my shell, I could actually have a conversation with someone, and I was no longer that "shy guy".

I think the same kind of lesson can be applied to suicidal thoughts. People who contemplate suicide usually have negative thoughts, such as, "I'm not good enough", or, "I don't deserve happiness." These thoughts can be changed. It takes a while, but those thoughts can be replaced with more positive ones. Find things you like about yourself, and things you have accomplished in life. Focus thoughts on those and the future positive things you can accomplish. Eventually, your whole world may begin to change.

Med changes and suicide

Original Art by Nikki K. "Mania"

Medication changes are awful and I hate them.

Being bipolar means there are several versions of myself. My ideal self is pretty impressive. Yeah, I know, that’s not very humble, but it is true. That version of myself that is most often seen when I am manic is a version of myself I wish I could be friends with. She is smart and funny. She is capable, confident, witty, friendly, outgoing, and spontaneous. She seems to have everything together. She can handle anything.

The depressive version of myself is actually pretty easy going. She is sad, but mostly she just wants to sleep. She struggles to do the things she knows must get done, whether it is getting up to go to work, filling out a job application, or just washing the dishes.

There are other versions of me as well. The super manic version wants to do everything all of the time. The “normal,” or middle of the road version, is almost a combination of it all. When my medications are all working together in perfect harmony, I am this middle of the road version. I can think clearly, I can function, and I can feel my emotions without being swallowed by them.

My least favorite version of me is the version I am today. 

It is the version that is struggling with this medication change. It is this version that bounces around like that ball in pong (please don’t let me be so old no one gets this reference.) between all aspects of herself. I spend the whole day crying, or hiding, or just shaking. Even taking a bath was difficult today. I feel like I just can’t catch my breath. Worst of all, those scary thoughts creep in… the ones about suicide.

I thought I was pretty stable, other than the minor depressive episodes that kept coming on. Really, I knew I was gonna be okay. Still, my psychiatrist wanted to try to achieve true stability, which meant messing with my mood stabilizers. So I am in this crappy place between the therapeutic levels of medications and I am just trying to survive it. Next week she will fix it, and I will be using the appropriate levels of the new medications. It all makes sense.

But today I am suffering. My mind is running away with me, my fears are sneaking up on me, and I am not sure how I am going to make it to next week. Sure, I know I will. I am honest about how I feel. I tell my support system, so that it doesn’t take anyone by surprise. Still, the how eludes me.

This is where my therapist would tell me to make a plan to make it. So, here is my plan.

1. Consult my support system. Be sure they know I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and that I need extra support.
2. Take extra time for me. That includes a longer shower, or putting off those dishes until later. Whatever I need in that moment.
3. If I find myself planning a suicide attempt, contact someone for help. Make sure I have the Life Line (1-800-273-8255), and the Kern County Hotline (1-800-991-5272) numbers. 
4. Try to get outside, even just for a little while. 
5. Utilize my coping skills. I am going to make time to paint, and finish these two books, this weekend.

Yes, I’m having a tough time. Yes, that tough time includes being suicidal. Now, I have a plan. This was easily the hardest thing I have written so far, but I hope admitting my struggle can help you too.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

I’m super excited. May is Mental Health Awareness Month is fast approaching and we have many plans. We’ll be making an appearance at CSUB and BC. We’re going to host a showing of To Write Love on Her Arms at the Beale Library. There will be an Art Show. And there is going to be a social media event: #EverybodysGotProblems. As I said before, I am super excited.

#EverybodysGotProblems

I am trying to coordinate this social media campaign that will happen on May 14th. I am encouraging local organizations to post selfies and posts about how they’ve been affected by mental health, mental illness, suicide… after all, EVERYONE has mental health just like we all have physical health. We may choose to ignore it sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. So far, I am happy to have local organizations and business such as CSUB Student Disabilities Services, Good Samaritan , Truxtun Psychiatric , Gimme Some Sugar, Marley’s Mutts, Save a Life Today, and Sweet Surrender who will be participating and I’m hoping that you’ll be participating, too. Let’s talk about how we’ve been affected by mental health and show there is no shame. We're not alone.

May Events

• May 6: Mental Health Awareness Day at CSUB
• May 7: Mental Health Awareness Day at BC
• May 14: #EverybodysGotProblems
• May 14: To Write Love on Her Arms
• May 21: Third Thursday downtown
• May 26-28: Art Show at the Commonwealth Building

If you or someone you know is in a crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) or the Kern County Mental Health Hotline at 1 (800) 991-5272.

Quote of the Week: Living Life to the Fullest

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

― Oscar Wilde

Image from: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSKtGwtWIXJqf42FVzEINfDM8kOVwacQ647XhVxPtzM6WMbMHcnIyeV3tCqW-_IvBnxMVtNRJA5dX-9SjCYVYOMeyGNM5fwxowMtwPdAdfrgM7_ICcHuVBnTbuNV0LOF8eWlH0bL_o2QA/s1600/live_life_.jpg

 What is the difference between living and existing? Most people think they are one in the same. When I think of existing, I think of my brain being on autopilot. Have you ever been driving, and then you are suddenly at your destination with no recollection of how you got there? That is what I feel existing is like. To me, living is much more intense. Every sight, every experience, and every emotion is thoroughly felt and appreciated. Not everything in life is good, but everything in life can be understood and processed.

This can be applied to those with suicidal thoughts as well. Sometimes, if you are suicidal, you are just drifting through life, with your brain on autopilot, not focusing on anything. You are just existing. You don't feel the intensity of life because you simply don't want to. However, if you have suicidal thoughts and are reading this, one thing is for certain: you are surviving. Suicidal people have felt intense emotion and have probably been through difficult experiences. To me, that's living.

I think we can all benefit from living life to the fullest. If you are suicidal, force yourself to do something for you, even if you don't want to, and really feel every positive emotion you experience. If you are not suicidal, you can still benefit from living life. Actually take time to look at your surroundings, and experience every sensation. Every sight, every smell, every taste, every sound is something special that usually goes overlooked. Let's all stop existing and start LIVING.

Taking the Offensive

Original Painting by Nikki K. "Inspiration"

Being a human is hard. Being a human with a mental illness is even more difficult. Being the child of a parent with a mental illness sucks and being a child with a mental illness of a parent with a mental illness is chaotic.

Coming from a long line of mental illness means learning to adapt to unpredictable situations. One thing I do is watch my loved ones. I do this to gauge the mood of the room, and determine my position. I do the best I can to remain optimistic, but I often fail. I am not an optimistic soul. When I manage to be realistic, I try to be proud of myself. Realistically, today is going to be difficult; and realistically, I can choose to survive it.

The Offensive

It is important to start each day with the state of mind that you are going to own that day. Since I am a realist, I try to approach today as if it is going to be difficult, but also as though I have the skills to survive it. I wake up in the morning, and I go on the offensive. I immediately indulge in self-care; I do something just for me. Usually, I just wash my hands. I don’t know why this helps, but spending a minute washing my hands can make a difference. On days I know will be difficult, “Wal-Mart days”, I will add vanilla and chocolate to my morning coffee.

For you, this offensive step could be anything. My boyfriend showers first thing in the morning.My grandmother turns on her tv and reads the paper. Some people enjoy exercise. Whatever your thing is, do that first.

Supportive Player

For those of us with loved ones who struggle, the next thing is to help them get that first deep breath in the morning. I do not live with my mother, and rarely do I see her first thing in the morning, but when I do, I try not to talk to her before her first cigarette. If we happen to be together during that moment, I make small talk; nothing she has to think deeply about. This is my way of giving her peace before the chaos of everyday life begins.

For a child, this becomes a much bigger challenge. Kids have things they need to do each day, like us, but they are still discovering their pattern. Eat breakfast, brush your hair, get ready for school, oh! And do you have that report that is due today? Being a child is insanity. Adding a mental illness on top of that is simply unfair. I suggest we give children the deep breath they need every day. Encourage them to take a breath before talking. My daughter is loving school, so her big thing right now is packing her backpack and drinking a water. It's tiresome to me, but she enjoys making sure she has pencils and ChapStick.

Anyone can help give peace. We can listen to someone who is hurting. We can be authentic about our own pain. We can be kind first, trying not to jump to conclusions.

Probably most important, we can ask.

Ask for what you need. Ask what your loved one needs. Offer your support. Offer your affection, how ever that feels right to you (not everyone likes touch!). Be prepared to give what you would hope to receive in this position.

Execution

Today was hard for me. I needed to cry, so I cried. I needed alone time, so I laid in bed. I had panic attacks, irrational fears, and dangerous tendencies. I asked for support from my loved ones, and, while they could not spare much, it was given. I had dark thoughts, and I managed to survive them. Today was difficult, but had I hid from my pain, or my daughter’s pain, it would have been even worse.

Today I was honest, and I survived. Tomorrow will doom me to another day of honesty, be it good or bad. But I've got a plan.

1. Watch myself for signs of relapse
2. Wash my hands when feeling overwhelmed
3. Treat myself
4. Take a book when I leave the house
5. Utilize my support system. This is the hardest, but I'll trust myself to choose healthy, honest, individuals.

What will you do to take care of you?

-Nikki

¿Eres Loco?: Mental Health in the Latino Community

image courtesy of nami.org

As one of the few bilingual staff in my department, I handle most of the Spanish speaking callers, which are few in number, and handle SPARC's Spanish sister Facebook page, PSyC, which receives much less attention than its English counterpart. This revelations is concerning, considering that the area that we serve has a heavy Latino population, but Latinos are under-represented in our system of care. Today, I hope to shed some light as to why this may be.

Education and Stigma
In the U.S., Latinos are the least likely racial group to graduate high school or attend college. This means that Latinos are least exposed to information about mental disorders. Depression may only be seen as simple sadness, anxiety as stress, and mood disorders as a lack of self-control and so on. All of these are perceived as something that could, and should, be taken care of by the individual experiencing them.

This lack of understanding only serves to feed the popular stigma held by many Latinos, which is that any mental illness falls under the generalized umbrella of being loco. Anyone undergoing some kind of mental health service would be perceived as crazy, which is enough to keep someone from seeking much needed help.

Tradition and Religion
Another set-back to seeking help is that superstition is alive and well in Latin America. Mental disorders maybe mistaken for curses or demonic possessions. Because of this and for other reasons, many Latinos turn to their church for help. While religion can be extremely helpful in finding life meaning and spiritual peace, it should not be used in favor of medicine or science. For anyone reading this who believes that they can pray their sickness away through some miracle, I say to you, do not undermine the miracles that God has already bestowed upon the world through modern medicine and the knowledge of trained professionals.

Culture and Family
One good thing about growing up Latino are the family values. Latino America tends to be more of a collectivist culture, as opposed to the U.S.'s individualistic culture. In collectivist cultures, emphasis is put on familial perseverance rather than individual gain. As a result, Latino families tend to be more supportive and more strongly bonded. The fact that foreign-born Latinos are less likely to experience suicidal ideations¹ is consistent with the interpersonal theory of suicide, which states that a perceived lack of social support is necessary for one to desire death².

The best way to combat these barriers is through knowledge and understanding. Visit our Facebook SPARC page for posts relating to mental health and suicide. For information in Spanish, visit our Spanish page, PSyC-Prevención Suicidal y Conocimiento.

If you or someone you know are experiencing suicidal thoughts and would like to receive help, call our suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-991-5272 or 1-888-628-9454 for Spanish.

References
1. Swanson JW, Linskey AO, Quintero-Salinas R, Pumariega AJ, Holzer CE. A Bi-National School Survey of Depressive Symptom, Drug Use and Suicidal Ideation. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 1992; 31: 669-678.

2. Van Orden, K. A., Witte, T. K., Cukrowicz, K. C., Braithwaite, S., Selby, E. A., & Joiner, T. E. (2010). The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. Psychological Review, 117(2), 575–600. doi:10.1037/a0018697

Quote of the Week: Stress and Relaxation

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."

  ~Attributed to both Jim Goodwin and Sydney J. Harris

Image from: http://renegadehealth.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Stress.jpg

I found myself getting stressed out this week. I just started a new job, I'm acting in a play, and I have school responsibilities. Lately I've only seen my apartment at night before I go to bed, and my one day without responsibilities has gone to my friends and girlfriend. I've been so busy, I totally ignored my mental health. 

Then two of my good friends ended their relationship together. While this is certainly a sad event, it had an unnecessarily negative effect on me. I felt depressed all day, and didn't get nearly as much work done as I should have. The reason this happened is because I wasn't taking care of myself. I let things build up, then used a minor event to release all the emotional stress I had been accumulating lately. 

Sometimes, this happens in those who are suicidal. They bottle their emotions, then a seemingly minor event triggers intense feelings that they will do anything to get rid of, including suicide. This is why self-care is so important. It may seem selfish, but taking some time for yourself is detrimental to good mental health. So take some time to relax, no matter how busy you are. That may be the time when you need to the most.

Introducing Geronimo

Who I am
Hello all! My name is Geronimo Desiderio, and I work for my local suicide prevention and crisis hotline. I am also involved in outreach efforts. I am currently managing SPARC's Spanish sister page, PSyC-Prevención Suicidal y Conocimiento, on Facebook.

Reaching for Sunshine

Photo by James Mitchell, with permission, titled: Dragonfly must Transmit

I have this friend: 

We text back and forth almost every night. I complain about my day and he provides encouragement. He complains about work and I encourage him to quit. I never get to see him because he moved across the country a year ago, but he and I are still so very close.

I'm texting him tonight and I'm complaining about the day that would give Alexander and his entire family a run for their money, and he starts asking for the positives. He directs me to comics and music. This is all pretty normal as he is trying to encourage me to be more positive. I am not a very optimistic person, but I value that he cares enough to try. Anyway, We are talking back and forth, and I am doing the “Yeah, but…” thing I do when he is being sunny.