Sailor Moon and Unconditional Positive Regard

Photo retrieved from: http://www.themarysue.com/sailor-moon-crystal-season-2/.

You may not know this about me, but I am a huge Sailor Moon fan. I have been in love with the show since I was in the 7th grade; that’s 15 years. That’s more than half of my life. One of the qualities that I fell in love with on the show and in the characters is a quality that I find is important for mental health and promoting mental health: unconditional positive regard.

What is Unconditional Positive Regard?
Unconditional positive regard is an attitude, associated with Carl Rogers, in which a person is accepted regardless of their good or bad doings. It is not to say that hurtful or dangerous behaviors are accepted; you do not have to condone or put up with someone’s behavior. It is accepting the individual despite their poor (or good) choices. It is the mindset that a person is trying their best. This is such an important attitude that it is incorporated into most therapies to create a safe environment for the therapist-client relationship.

Sailor Moon and Unconditional Positive Regard
So how does this relate to Sailor Moon? Well, the main character, Sailor Moon, has this tendency of accepting people, regardless of their flaws. Of course, she is not perfect. She can be judgmental at times, but for the most part, one of her strength is her ability to love and accept people. She has the ability to see past hurtful actions done by the monster of the day, usually an acquaintance she just met, and despite the damage they caused there is a person who deserves respect. She stops the monster of the day or heals them to prevent further damage; she does not accept their actions, but them as a person. This is one of the reasons why she is driven to help and one of the reasons why I have always related to this show.

Applying Unconditional Positive Regard
I am an adult and I recognize that this is only an anime, a Japanese cartoon, however, there are some things that I want to continue practicing in my life as I continue watching the series. As a therapist-in-training, a hotline crisis person, a group facilitator, a friend, a partner, a daughter, a sibling, a person… I want to continue accepting people for who they are because who am I to judge? Everyone is trying their best and that should be respected.

Is this something that you want to apply in your life?

References:
1. Joseph, S. (2012). Unconditional positive regard: If you think it’s about smiling and nodding you are doing it wrong. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/201210/unconditional-positive-regard
2. Likerman, A. (2012). Unconditional positive regard: The benefits of seeing the best in others. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201210/unconditional-positive-regard

Why Do I Want to Die?

     A common stereotype attributed to people with suicidal thoughts is that they are just seeking attention, and it is accompanied by the statement, "Well I went through that and I didn't want to kill myself." People react different ways to different situations. A person's reason for wanting to die is important and should be treated with respect. However, contemplating that statement raises an interesting question: Where do suicidal thoughts come from?

     A guide to overcoming stress and adversity from Dartmouth College poses an interesting answer to that question. The guide refers to the ABC model, which offers a Cognitive-Behavioral approach to understanding stress. First developed by Albert Ellis, the ABC model demonstrates how we react to stress and adversity. "A" stands for adversity, "B" stands for belief, and "C" stands for consequence. Our belief about the adversity affects the consequence. For example, if your belief about an event is that it is all your fault, the consequence may be suicidal thoughts.

    Everyone is different, so one person's beliefs and resulting consequences won't always match someone else's. That is why one person may have suicidal thoughts regarding a situation and another person may not.

     So what can be done with this information? If we are able to use the consequence to identify a behavior, we can change the behavior. For example, one person getting fired may believe it is because he or she is incompetent, which may lead to a decrease in self-esteem. Another person may believe he or she got fired due to budget cuts, and that may result in motivation to find a better job.

    Those with suicidal thoughts should always been given the attention they deserve. Their suicidal thoughts may be the result of negative beliefs about themselves. By listening and engaging them in conversation, we can assist in changing those beliefs.

Image from: http://pad3.whstatic.com/images/thumb/e/ef/Be-Friends-with-Someone-Who-Attempted-Suicide-Step-1-Version-2.jpg/900px-Be-Friends-with-Someone-Who-Attempted-Suicide-Step-1-Version-2.jpg

For more information on the ABC model: http://www.dartmouth.edu/~eap/abcstress2.pdf

What I Like About Therapy

Original Art by Nikki K.

I recently wrote a post lamenting difficult therapy sessions. Then I read an article by a therapist regarding the things good therapists versus bad therapists might do. After all of this, I decided to give the top three reasons my therapist works for me. First, let’s go over the differences between counselors, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

• counselor: a person trained to give advice regarding a particular issue. These people usually have specific training, certifications, or degrees. For example: drug counselors, camp counselors, college counselors, etc.
• therapist: psychologically speaking, a person with an advanced degree, trained to assist in a variety of issues. A therapist has a BA/BS degree, an MA/MS, and has passed a licensing exam. If you are seeing a therapist, they will certainly have MFT or CSW after their name, and likely LMFT or LCSW if they are licensed.
• psychologist: an expert or specialist in psychology. This person will have a PhD in Psychology, and will go by Dr. Name.
• psychiatrist: a medical practitioner specialising in the treatment and diagnosis of mental illness. This person is an M.D., and can prescribe medication. In my experience, these appointments are generally shorter and occur less often than those with a therapist or psychologist.

Okay, when I finally found my current therapist, I wasn’t 100% sure we would work out. In fact, I was much more sure we wouldn’t. She was so damn perky! Still, I learned a long time ago that it takes more than one interview or session to decide such a thing. Soon, I learned that she was pretty amazing, and I began to trust her more than I had ever trusted a therapist. So, What changed?

Things I like about my therapist (and won’t compromise on if I ever need to get another)

1. First and foremost, I love that we have boundaries. Most people I know struggle with establishing a clear set of rules for interaction. Part of my illness means I struggle with boundaries already. I struggle to say no, to have healthy relationships, to ask for what I need, blah, blah, blah. With my therapist, this does not come into play. I have set appointments with my therapist, I can e-mail her at a work e-mail address, and I can call the office emergency number if I have an emergency. That is it. I do not have her cell phone number. She does not call me from home. I do not know where she lives, or even what she drives. I know where I stand with her 100% of the time. These boundaries keep me safe, and I value them. Full disclosure: sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I wish I could call her at 2 am to cry and vent. Instead, I am forced to deal with my illness, my emotions, and my drama. I breathe, I may write it out in an e-mail, I may be forced to rely on someone else in my support network; I survive. It is better this way.

2. Next: I trust her implicitly. I can say anything I want and I know she isn’t going to hate me. Really, anything I want. She may challenge my perception, she may laugh, she may be surprised. She is genuine in her reactions. Still, I know at the end of the session she is going to smile and wish me well, and I know I will see her again. She isn’t going to give up on me, or tell my secrets, or talk bad about me, or anything else. I think that trust is essential in a good therapist.

3. She is always in my corner. I can walk in and if I just need to rail on something, she is going to support me through that. Then she is going to challenge my perceptions and my reactions to help me grow. My best friends are going to be with me when I go flip the tables. My therapist is going to listen and then ask me what I could have done better, and that is exactly what I need if I am ever going to learn to manage my illness.

4. She’s been through it. She’s been through therapy. She has lived, she has hurt, and she is not scared to admit it.

Not everyone wants the same things from a therapist. These are the top three things I value, but you may want something entirely different. If you are considering looking for a therapist, consider making a list of things you want or need in a therapist. Try not to be unrealistic: a therapist who was an astronaut in another life is probably not likely, but be true to yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

*Definitions taken from Google. Bold portions provided by me.

Wellness is a Present

"The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

-Abraham Maslow

As humans, we have a tendency to live in the past or in the future. In the past is regret. We always look back and think of what we could have done differently or what might have happened if we did something else. We blame ourselves, instead of praise ourselves for what we did right. This can lead to self-hate, which can lead to suicide. 

In the future is preoccupation. We worry about upcoming events and obsess over if something will go wrong. We get so worried about the future, that we forget about the present. Instead of looking forward to upcoming events, we begin to dread them.Eventually, life passes by and we have nothing to show for it. 

We cannot change the past, nor can we predict the future. Yet we are constantly trying to change things that are out of our control. Instead, let's focus on what we can control: the present. We can control our own current actions, and we can choose happiness if we desire. The present

is where wellness is, and that is a gift in itself.

Image from:http://www.justbeewellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Fotolia_13096989_L.jpg

Therapy Problems

I am a huge proponent of therapy. Therapy can make the difference between a successful marriage, and a failure; between learning new coping skills and continuing to use self-harm or self-medication instead. Therapy can help a person come to terms with their past, or prepare for their future.

The thing is, therapy is not easy. Sure, you can do fun and easy things, like drawing pictures, playing games, or just having interesting conversations. However, some of therapy can be a lot of hard work. My last session was one of those difficult sessions.

Now, the goal is to keep myself from back-tracking while dealing with my difficult emotions.

So what do I do?

The first thing I did was visit my very good friend. I didn’t go into what had happened at therapy, or why I was shaken. Instead, we focused on what was happening at that moment. We talked about her work, and my relationship. We talked names for her baby, and how my daughter was progressing in school. It was about 30 minutes of simply enjoying ourselves. It reminded me why she was my friend. We don’t have to discuss the problem, we don’t have to go into anything serious, but by the end of our time together, we both felt better.

Next, I grabbed a quick lunch and hug from my boyfriend. I think we were both a little fried, so we enjoyed the silence, and a very small bit of affection.

Simply put, I rallied my support system. I didn’t need much from them, but it reminded me that I had a support system. I am loved, and when I have focused on the dark parts of my life I need a reminder.

At home alone

After getting home, I decided I needed to relax. Relaxing is all well and good, but then I realized I was surviving difficult emotions. Then, I decided to write this post. I think I needed to share how I am surviving.

I have a tendency to dwell on the negative aspects of my days. One thing can trip me up for a week. These difficult memories and emotions can cripple me if I do not take steps to care for myself. I have covered creating a plan in a few of my posts. Still, it is so important, I will cover it again.

1. Eat a healthy dinner: Part of taking care of myself will definitely include eating something good for me.
2. Do something kind for myself. I am going to take a nice hot bath with my newest book.
3. Do something I enjoy. I will probably choose to watch a show or do some extra reading.
4. If I find myself  in need, I will contact someone for help. Make sure I have the Life Line (1-800-273-8255), and the Kern County Hotline (1-800-991-5272) numbers.

What do you do?

Take care of you!

-Nikki

Knowing How to Love Yourself

"What I am is how I came out. No one's perfect and you just have to accept your flaws and learn to love yourself."

-Kelly Brook

There was a time when I thought I was Superman. I wanted to be the hero who showed no fear, could handle any challenge, and save any person. There were so many things wrong with that philosophy. When someone did not get better, I blamed myself. My abilities weren't enough for that person. I needed to be better. I soon then despised myself. Then, because I cared more about other people, I neglected myself. Finally, I found myself a broken shell of the person I was. I felt like I failed everyone around me. 

The thing about it, however, was the people around me moved on. It wasn't a big deal to them, or if it was they got over it. As it turned out, the only person I truly failed was myself. I didn't care for myself, I didn't love myself, heck I barely liked myself. 

Those of you who are or who were struggling with suicidal thoughts probably feel the same way. You go through life, feeling horrible about yourself, like there is nothing good about you. 

What I learned was that life is not an all-or-nothing. I am not superhuman, nor am I worthless. The same is true about everyone on this Earth. We are not perfect. We are flawed. But those flaws make us unique and beautiful. There is good inside of you, just like there is good inside of everyone. When you learn to identify the good along with bad, that is when you can truly learn to love yourself.

Image from: http://www.famous-quotes.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/love-yourself-quotes.jpg

My Journey with PTSD

Image found through Dr. Kathleen Young

I was told that June is PTSD month. As someone diagnosed with PTSD, I figured I should show you what my experience is like.

To start, the National Institute of Mental Health says,

“PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.”

PTSD is not exclusive to those who have survived a war. A common saying is “Everyone is fighting their own battles,” and sometimes it is those battles that cause these scars. I believe those suffering from PTSD often have wounds that are struggling to heal.

My dreams are the most vivid part of my life with PTSD. I close my eyes, and immediately, a story unfolds. Sometimes it is something silly, like a flying version of my daughter. Other times, the dreams leave me petrified or striking out at those near to me. I hit my boyfriend in the nose when he woke me up, once. I wake up afraid, shaking, sometimes I don’t know where I am or how I got there. During those awful dreams, I can feel his hands on my neck, I can feel myself being pushed against the car, or or the bed, or the washer. I can hear myself begging. Sometimes I am a child and I am watching this happen to an older version of me. Sometimes it is something I saw when I was young.

It is not just the dreams, but the flashbacks, even though they are less frequent. A flashback occurs during a moment when you are awake, but you are suddenly back into the place of your trauma, mentally. Suddenly, I can see my attacker, smell him, but I am frozen in place. These flashbacks can be triggered by a sound, a smell, a person resembling the attacker, or numerous other things. Full disclosure: I have found myself crouched behind display cases in the grocery store hiding from a villain that did not exist. To smell a cologne and be transported back to a place of fear and confusion, looking at the person who raped me, who berated me for everything, who told me it was all my fault... And then to be crying and no one understands why because no one just saw what I saw, no one heard the words or felt his hands on me, no one else is feeling as though they have been thrown into a pit and must climb out again. In my head, they are always bigger and badder than they were in real life. In my head, I tell myself, they can’t possibly be real. However, there is occasionally that time, that one single time, when you see him get into his car. That was real, and it has stuck with me ever since.

So now I am supposed to give advice as to how to deal with your PTSD, or that of a loved one. I think I can only say what I want to happen when I have back in that dark place:

1. Tell me it is okay. That I am safe. Remind me that I am not alone, and that I will never have to see him again.
2. Ask what I need, and be honest about whether or not it is realistic.
3. If you are waking me, do so gently, with love and a sense of kindness. (Being jerked awake out of a violent dream is awful.)
4. If you know where my medication is, make it available to me. This could limit a severe anxiety attack.
5. If I am going to hurt myself or others, get me help (No questions asked! I will thank you for it later.)

PTSD is difficult for me to outline in it’s own right, but I know who I am looking for when I step outside, and I know who I am watching for as I enter a crowded building. Hypervigilance is the worst part of PTSD, because instead of relaxing and enjoying myself, I am watching the doors, windows, and people I am glancing around to see which person is going to be the one to attack me first. It feels as though I am unable to relax, even alone at home. Still, I am working hard at home and with my therapist, and with any luck, I’ll be able to kick these fears before too long.

How do you manage your PTSD?

-Nikki

How to Fill Your Well

“The greatest tool of self-love is self-awareness. Once you truly know yourself, love is the only option.”

― Vironika Tugaleva

I once had a professor who described people as wells. Other people and obligations drain our well, and the well will become empty if it keeps getting drained. Once it's empty, the only thing left is anger and frustration. The only way to fill the well is to build a stream of self-care going to the well. Spend some time alone with yourself, taking care of yourself. 

When you take care of yourself, you begin to know yourself. Your strengths, your weaknesses, your insecurities, your passions, everything becomes revealed when you are alone with yourself. This can be kind of scary, because there may be things we don't want to admit about ourselves. We may have done things in the past we are not proud of, or we may be hiding a deep dislike of ourselves. The best way to deal with that is to accept it, and know that it is not the only part of you. 

I know that I am gullible, and that I beat myself up too easily. I am also kind, considerate, and a great listener. We are not our weaknesses, nor are we are strengths. We are a healthy combination of both those things. So take time to reflect on yourself today. Ignore the phone calls or people needing you. Sit down by yourself, relax with your favorite hobby, and reflect on who you are. Fill your well with self-care and reflection. That brings total self-awareness. Once you are aware of yourself, you can truly love yourself. When you love yourself, you can love everyone else.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/files/2012/06/you-are-important.jpg

 

Mania and Self Harm

Self-harm is a sneaky little bugger that drives me mad!

I have bipolar. As a result, I have highs and lows. Sometimes those highs are definitely manic highs. I have been manic for just over a week now. When I go manic, I am at an increased likelihood to clean my house, visit friends, self-injure, and attempt suicide.

So, what do I do?

This is a hard time for me, because I know I should be fine. I know I should be thinking fine thoughts. Nothing is wrong, I can tell myself. But that isn’t the case. My body and my brain have pushed me into overdrive--and I am scared.

I want to blame the new medicine the doctor wanted to try. She talked to me about it for two separate appointments, and the appointments last 20+ minutes usually. She is a good doctor, and she really cares. Finally, I agreed to try this medicine. It didn’t take long for the mania to set it. I didn’t really realize it until the first time I started looking for something to cut myself.

I won’t go into detail, though I could, and a big part of me wants to. I won’t because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I will say, a few days later, when I finally couldn’t stop this compulsion, I made something that would work, and cut deep--much deeper than I had hoped. I stared at it and knew I should probably get stitches. I also knew that the backlash would be hellish, so I bandage myself up and moved on.

That was just the start. Suddenly, everything presented a new experience. How would *object* feel? If I didn’t move quickly enough, I ended up hurting myself. Every time.

I went to therapy and the advice is “remove everything sharp” but it isn’t just the sharp! It’s everything unhealthy. Everything dangerous. It is everything.

This time, I don’t have a plan. I have my support system, but they don’t understand. It isn’t a coping skill anymore, it is a compulsion. My mania has me seeming happy, euphoric. Oh, the sensation of flying through the day can be exhilarating. Still, I know the danger of the fall that waits.

They tell me to make a plan. So, my plan is to stay inside, and read a lot, and keep the hotline numbers close to me, and maybe the hotline webpage because they have a chat system, and chatting makes me less vulnerable. My plan is to keep my wounds clean, and not to hide, and to email my therapist or a friend every day so they know I'm surviving. My plan is to make plans.

What is your plan? Any suggestions?

-Nikki

Reducing Vulnerability

It’s almost finals week for me and my colleagues and we have been wearing ourselves thin. We have been depriving ourselves of sleep to finish papers and to study. We have forgotten to eat because there are so many things on our plates. We have pushed through physical illness just to attend class or supervision. We are all pretty miserable. And we should be. We allowed ourselves to get into a vulnerable state and once there it is hard to regulate our emotions and tolerate stress.

I know our experience is not unique to ourselves, our program, or even college life. That’s why they have acronyms such as HALT (Hungry? Angry? Tired? Lonely?) to help create awareness of we we are in a bad mood. So what can we do to prevent this vulnerability to give us a chance of feeling better throughout the day? From Marsha Linehan’s DBT workbook, they have a reducing vulnerability process known as PLEASE MASTER:

• We need to make sure to treat physical illness. When you are feeling physically sick, you’re probably not going to be emotional well either. So make sure to allow yourself to heal and to be compassionate towards yourself.
• Make sure we have balanced eating. Make sure you are eating the right amount of food: not too much and not too little. If you’re hungry or overly full, it will be difficult for you to regulate your emotions.
• Avoid mood-altering drugs.
• Make sure to get enough exercise, even if it is for 10-15 minutes. Do something. Take a walk, run in place, chase a cat around the house. When we are active, it somehow makes us feel a little bit better.
• Are you getting the right amount of sleep? If you’re lethargic because you are getting too much or too little sleep, it will make it difficult to tolerate stress. Pulled an all-nighter? Be prepared to feel more emotionally vulnerable.
• Build mastery. Do things that you are good at because success leads to success. When we are able to do things we’re good at, we tend to feel better.

Of course, these things will not make stress from life go away, but will help give you the energy and strength to tolerate the stress. Do you notice how any of the following has helped with your mood? Let me know.