July 2015 Update

Hello ya’ll! I wanted to give you an update on the work we have been doing.

SPARC Events

Since our first SPARC meeting in May 2014, we have had three meetings with members of the community and local mental health organizations, attended various events around the community, and provided trainings for Question, Persuade, and Refer (QPR) and Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST).
One of our memorable events include the recent May is Mental Health Awareness Month event at CSUB. We had so many people visit our booth, we ran out of stress kits.



One Year Anniversary for Facebook

July 16th was our one year anniversary since we launched the SPARC Facebook page. Since the first month, we have had an increase in likes by 62%! We are especially thankful for those who have been kind enough to like, share, and comment on our content we provide. And we are thankful for having organizations in the community work towards bringing awareness to suicide, such as Marley’s Mutts and Houchin Blood Bank with our #EverybodysGotProblems campaign.

Future Events and Projects


Suicide Prevention Day in September

Some of the plans we have for our social media accounts (both Facebook and Twitter) include a campaign for suicide awareness and prevention for the month of September; Suicide Prevention Day is 9/10. What I want to do is get quotes from those in our community about how suicide affects you and take pictures so we can share your experiences. After all, suicide does not discriminate and as soon as we can make it safe to talk about suicide, the easier it will be to reach out for help. So if you’re willing to be quoted and possibly have your picture taken, email me at mhsparc@gmail.com.

Suicide Prevention Pet Photos

I am also trying to reach out to local organizations to see if we can take pictures of rescue cats and dogs for our “Suicide Prevention Pet” photos. We want to educate the community about suicide prevention and mental health maintenance through photos of adorable animals. Hopefully, we can get an organization to work with us. Regardless, if you would like your pet to be a suicide prevention pet on our SPARC page, email us so we can set something up.

Take care!

- Alison

The future is beginning

Today I signed the paperwork to start my MS program. This means I have committed myself to three arduous years of improvement. At the end of those three years I will take a few tests, and hopefully be able to find a wonderful job.

I am scared out of my mind. What if this is the wrong decision? What if I hate it? What if I don't, but I just can't hack it? What if I am not good enough?

I think that is the basic question right there. Still, I made the grades to get in, I have the references of some of the people I admire most in the world telling me I shall excel. There is just so much on the line, and a lot can change in three years.

The online portion was pretty simple. I filled out the application and sent an e-mail expressing interest. But then he wanted to meet me in person. That makes sense, right? Since the class is on-campus and I will be seeing a professor 2-3 times a week. So, I doll-up, take my medicine, do the deep breathing and positive mantras and all the little things I was taught to do when I was afraid. Then I disassociated from that fear, walked in, and blew this guys mind.

Okay, I may be giving myself a little more credit that I deserve, but I did not stumble over my words, I sold myself just like I used to when I was younger, before I realized how easily the world could tear me apart. I smiled, I made jokes and laughed at his, and then I asked, "So when will I know if I have been accepted?" and he smiled back and said, "Right now. You're in."

I left to have lunch and I allowed all of those emotions to wash over me. I cried in my truck, I congratulated myself, I shook, and took my emergency medication. Then I drove over and had lunch with my boyfriend, a constant source of support. I had to go back to the University to speak to the admissions clerk, and I was my normal, shy, self.

I made it through, I signed up for a graduate program, and now I am home and attempting to relax. All of the problems that can occur are speeding through my head, but I know if I can stay positive, I can make it. I have already e-mailed my therapist, my support system knows I am struggling. Now it is just the process of moving forward and doing the course work.

It is not always easy, having a mental illness, struggling with suicidal ideation, makes these tasks significantly more difficult. Allow us to empower one another, speak up, and destroy the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Mental illness will not stop me from accomplishing my goals, as long as I plan for it, and I use my support system.

If I find myself being overwhelmed, I will use self-disclosure. When depression sets in, I will check in with my psychiatrist and ensure I am med-compliant.

I can do this.

Take care of you.

-Nikki

Hidden Meaning

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” 

― Albert Camus

           There is so much advice on where to find happiness. People say you need to find a job that makes you happy. Others say you should be successful, or find true love. While this may work for some people, everyone is different. If you are suicidal or depressed, you may not know what happiness is. You may be searching for it and think it is something you can find.

           The sad truth is, you can't. You can't find happiness anywhere because it is inside of you. No one can describe true happiness to you. No one can tell you what it looks like or feels like to be happy. That is because no one is quite like yourself. Happiness is inside of you, and true joy exists in experiencing it. However, the only way to figure out what it feels like to be happy is to experience every other emotion as well. That means sometimes you have to embrace sadness and not run away from it. Truly feel your own emotions, and get to know yourself. Therefore, you will see what every emotion looks like to you. Then you can choose the happy emotions. I believe that is how we should frame it. Don't search for happiness or the meaning of life, for those things already exist inside of you. Instead, choose life. Choose happiness. Those choices will give you the satisfaction you deserve.

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Untapped Potential

I got to see a new born today. I brand new, just out of the womb, baby. Seriously, he had been alive and breathing for little more than an hour. It made me think, when we are born, there is no promise to uphold, no lingering doubts. We are born and simply are. We do not make the decision to be here, but suddenly we are thrust into a world, whether it is prepared for us or not.

Now, some of us are born to families that love us and are thrilled to have us, and others of us are born to those who could not be more terrified, indifferent, or unhappy that we are here. Regardless of that, if you are reading this, you have grown, and lived, and now you can read! Congratulations on that. You have made it to today, and I know that is not easy.

Simply existing can be a hardship. Getting out of bed can take all of my strength, but it was not always like that. There was a time when waking up was inevitable. The day we are born, research shows, we do not register fear, or sadness, or even anger. Studies suggest we register interest and distress. Basically, we experience something new and then we voice it if we do not like it. That is it. When I saw this little boy in his mother’s arms, his eyes searching the room, I began to sob. I just realized, he can be anything, do anything, his future is limitless in this moment.

We all had that moment. Regardless of what happened next, of who our parents were, of what our illness is, of what our trials have been, we had a moment when anything was possible. Now I am wondering, when did that moment go away?

Did it disappear suddenly the first time I saw something bad happen?

Can a blame a parent, guardian, or childhood bully for robbing me of my potential?

Is it my abuser’s fault?

Do I still have it? Can I do anything?

So maybe I can’t be the next Olympic figure skater to win gold, and I won’t be joining the Moscow Ballet, but I can still do stuff. I have potential. Why am I allowing all the people who have done bad things to me to stop me from accomplishing something today?

Taking steps is not always easy. That something can be scary, difficult, maybe impossible as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means, take it in steps.

1. Pre-contemplation: This may be where you are right now, toying around with an idea. You may be looking for reasons not to do as you have been considering.
2. Contemplation: You are thinking more seriously about this idea, this thing… it seems like maybe, it could be real.
3. Preparation: You’re serious now. You’ve told someone, you’re planning it out. Thinking about writing a book? Do an outline. Want to run a 5k? Buy tennis shoes, or even just socks. You are making preparations to make this thing a reality.
4. Action: Start with the first step. If you want to run a marathon, it may start with a walk around the block. Losing 100 pounds starts with losing one pound. Write the first word of your novel, or visit an advisor that can help you pick classes to go back to school. Whatever it is, it happens here, slowly, but surely.
5. Maintenance: Keep it up. You lost that 100 pounds, now don’t gain it back. You ran that marathon, keep in shape. You wrote the novel, be proud! You’ve done it, now just don’t stop!

There is no reason I can’t do something today, I decided. So, today I am writing this piece. I am writing something, a little bird in your ear, saying you can… that thing you thought about doing yesterday? Do it now. YOU CAN! And so can I.

A Relationship Built on Understanding

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood."

-Lucius Annaeus Seneca

     One of the most important human desires is to be understood. We long to have someone understand what we are going through. We want to feel supported more than we want someone to fix things for us. This is especially true when someone has thoughts of suicide. Understanding the person's situation is much more important than "fixing" it. 

    I believe there is a correlation between friendship and understanding. Friendships are strengthened through understanding. The more someone understands you, the more likely you are to be that person's friend and be close to that friend. However, the opposite is also true. If we want to be understood, we have to take time to understand others. That involves taking time to truly comprehend what a person is saying and reflecting back what they say. By doing that, the person will feel closer to you, and maybe be willing to reciprocate the same level of understanding. 

    Having close relationships with other people is a key aspect of both suicide intervention and prevention. The closer you are with someone, the more likely you are to tell them what you are feeling. Also, they will be more likely to help if that friendship is built on mutual understanding. Therefore, surround yourself with people who understand you and try reciprocating the service yourself. Feeling understood is one of the best feelings we can feel for ourselves. 

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"Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect."

-Thomas S. Monson

      At a young age I was taught to respect other people. To this day, I hold high regard for those who are able to respect other people, and disrespect is one of my biggest pet peeves. I feel we live in an age where this is becoming even more importance. We as a society are putting extra emphasis on respect for others. However, there is little emphasis towards self-respect. Many people are quick to give up their own needs for other people, which results in damaged self-respect. It is quite a test of our integrity to not damage our self-respect, and one that many of us fail. 

     Lack of self-respect manifests itself in many different ways. I know I am guilty of staying up late to console a sad friend, or skipping lunch to get extra work done. Others may sacrifice time originally dedicated to themselves in order to take care of others. If you are a parent, this may be especially true. However, the more time we take away from ourselves, the more disconnected we become. Eventually we lose track of who we are, and we become someone we no longer like. This can make us more likely to consider suicide as an option when trying to deal with our own problems. 

     However, just because we damage our self-respect doesn't mean we have failed the test. Most people are damaged, that is a byproduct of life. But we are never beyond repair. Start doing things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. RESPECT yourself. You have to spend all of your life with yourself. Might as well make yourself someone you want to spend time with. 

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To be Weak is to be Strong

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

-CS Lewis

I feel like I am a human paradox at times when it comes to sharing. There are moments when I am begging to be asked questions like, "How was your day?" or, "How do you feel?" just so I can get emotions off of my chest. However, when someone actually asks me these questions, I freeze up and all that comes out is, "I'm fine" or "It was OK." To actually share emotions can be a terrifying thing.

I believe this conundrum affects people with suicidal thoughts as well. There is both a need to let out emotion and a fear that we won't be understood when we do. We feel broken, but we feel like, if we share and others don't accept us, we will become even more broken. Therefore, the people who most need love and acceptance may end up pushing away the ones who can give it to them.

I'm here to tell you there is power in vulnerability. When you bypass the emotional barriers put there by years of stress, anxiety, and other insecurities, you can finally be real with yourself and with others. There is something to be said about being vulnerable. It is therapeutic to release emotion. And the amazing thing is, when someone is vulnerable with their partner, family member, or even close friend, the response is usually compassion.

It is against our tendency to be vulnerable and show emotion. However, I feel like it is also a human need to be understood on a deep, emotional level. Therefore, I challenge everyone to be vulnerable today. Find the person you trust the most, and tell him or her your deepest insecurity. Then, ask the same and respond with compassion. To be vulnerable is to show love,  to be emotional is to be compassionate, and to be weak is to be strong.

Image from: http://www.11-11events.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Vulnerable-Postcard-640x380.jpg

My Everyday Battle

I woke up wanting to die. I ate breakfast, wanting to die. I got my daughter ready for her day, I functioned, I went to see family, and the sickening feeling that I was a dead woman walking refused to be shaken.

This post is going to have a lot of information about reaching out, but I want to spend just a moment in that deep, dark, feeling of nothingness. I was a burden, about to become more of a burden, a chain about someone’s neck. I was unstable and that lack of stability increases the instability of my very impressionable child. I spent hours crying. I couldn’t plan, I could barely breathe. I just cried. I sat in my family’s living room, watching all of the living, but I felt like dying, and I couldn’t say a word. So many would have said,  “Get over it,” or “Just be happy,” or “Ask God to heal you,” or whatever else, all the while I am suffocating in my pain. So I said nothing accept, “It doesn’t matter,” or, “You wouldn’t understand.” This placed the blame squarely on me, where it belonged, because I refused to reach out. It does not matter if it is logical, it simply is. Gratefully, my grandmother allowed me the peace and quiet of her room to vent as I needed.

I had reached out to my therapist the night before, explaining the situation. She replied back on her own time (A Saturday) to reassure me. She didn’t have to, but it was welcome. I woke up feeling the same sense of dread.

Finally, I started saying my good-byes. My therapist is a smart cookie. She called me. She asked the questions, point blank, forcing me to answer them in the same way. She forced me to create a safety plan, hour by hour. She did not hang up until I could confirm that I would see her the next day. Turns out my coded answers didn’t work so well with my boyfriend, who again asked the questions, point blank, and demanded straight answers. Again, we created a safety plan.

Not everyone has a therapist like mine. But maybe you have a friend. That one person that isn’t gonna let you go. Who is going to make you promise to call the next day, or in an hour, or says she is on her way with Monopoly, the world’s longest game!

Maybe not, but there are the life lines. Call someone for help. Make sure you have the National Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), and the Kern County Hotline (1-800-991-5272) numbers. People are sitting there waiting to help you. Not all of them are great, but hang up and try again. And the National Lifeline has a chat program. Just hop on your laptop and give it a go. Finally, there is Reddit’s Suicide Watch. Those guys will try to help you as well, though I am not sure of their training.

Today, I still want to die. Those feelings didn’t disappear in a puffy pink cloud the moment someone told me they loved me. In my gut, I feel worthless, my heart is beating quickly, and my rapid thoughts are switching from method to method, but I am refusing to create a plan, I am being honest with my support system, and I have plans tomorrow that I just can’t miss.

-Take care of you, while I am taking care of me.

Nikki