Mania and Self Harm

Self-harm is a sneaky little bugger that drives me mad!

I have bipolar. As a result, I have highs and lows. Sometimes those highs are definitely manic highs. I have been manic for just over a week now. When I go manic, I am at an increased likelihood to clean my house, visit friends, self-injure, and attempt suicide.

So, what do I do?

This is a hard time for me, because I know I should be fine. I know I should be thinking fine thoughts. Nothing is wrong, I can tell myself. But that isn’t the case. My body and my brain have pushed me into overdrive--and I am scared.

I want to blame the new medicine the doctor wanted to try. She talked to me about it for two separate appointments, and the appointments last 20+ minutes usually. She is a good doctor, and she really cares. Finally, I agreed to try this medicine. It didn’t take long for the mania to set it. I didn’t really realize it until the first time I started looking for something to cut myself.

I won’t go into detail, though I could, and a big part of me wants to. I won’t because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I will say, a few days later, when I finally couldn’t stop this compulsion, I made something that would work, and cut deep--much deeper than I had hoped. I stared at it and knew I should probably get stitches. I also knew that the backlash would be hellish, so I bandage myself up and moved on.

That was just the start. Suddenly, everything presented a new experience. How would *object* feel? If I didn’t move quickly enough, I ended up hurting myself. Every time.

I went to therapy and the advice is “remove everything sharp” but it isn’t just the sharp! It’s everything unhealthy. Everything dangerous. It is everything.

This time, I don’t have a plan. I have my support system, but they don’t understand. It isn’t a coping skill anymore, it is a compulsion. My mania has me seeming happy, euphoric. Oh, the sensation of flying through the day can be exhilarating. Still, I know the danger of the fall that waits.

They tell me to make a plan. So, my plan is to stay inside, and read a lot, and keep the hotline numbers close to me, and maybe the hotline webpage because they have a chat system, and chatting makes me less vulnerable. My plan is to keep my wounds clean, and not to hide, and to email my therapist or a friend every day so they know I'm surviving. My plan is to make plans.

What is your plan? Any suggestions?

-Nikki