My Journey with PTSD

Image found through Dr. Kathleen Young

I was told that June is PTSD month. As someone diagnosed with PTSD, I figured I should show you what my experience is like.

To start, the National Institute of Mental Health says,

“PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.”

PTSD is not exclusive to those who have survived a war. A common saying is “Everyone is fighting their own battles,” and sometimes it is those battles that cause these scars. I believe those suffering from PTSD often have wounds that are struggling to heal.

My dreams are the most vivid part of my life with PTSD. I close my eyes, and immediately, a story unfolds. Sometimes it is something silly, like a flying version of my daughter. Other times, the dreams leave me petrified or striking out at those near to me. I hit my boyfriend in the nose when he woke me up, once. I wake up afraid, shaking, sometimes I don’t know where I am or how I got there. During those awful dreams, I can feel his hands on my neck, I can feel myself being pushed against the car, or or the bed, or the washer. I can hear myself begging. Sometimes I am a child and I am watching this happen to an older version of me. Sometimes it is something I saw when I was young.

It is not just the dreams, but the flashbacks, even though they are less frequent. A flashback occurs during a moment when you are awake, but you are suddenly back into the place of your trauma, mentally. Suddenly, I can see my attacker, smell him, but I am frozen in place. These flashbacks can be triggered by a sound, a smell, a person resembling the attacker, or numerous other things. Full disclosure: I have found myself crouched behind display cases in the grocery store hiding from a villain that did not exist. To smell a cologne and be transported back to a place of fear and confusion, looking at the person who raped me, who berated me for everything, who told me it was all my fault... And then to be crying and no one understands why because no one just saw what I saw, no one heard the words or felt his hands on me, no one else is feeling as though they have been thrown into a pit and must climb out again. In my head, they are always bigger and badder than they were in real life. In my head, I tell myself, they can’t possibly be real. However, there is occasionally that time, that one single time, when you see him get into his car. That was real, and it has stuck with me ever since.

So now I am supposed to give advice as to how to deal with your PTSD, or that of a loved one. I think I can only say what I want to happen when I have back in that dark place:

1. Tell me it is okay. That I am safe. Remind me that I am not alone, and that I will never have to see him again.
2. Ask what I need, and be honest about whether or not it is realistic.
3. If you are waking me, do so gently, with love and a sense of kindness. (Being jerked awake out of a violent dream is awful.)
4. If you know where my medication is, make it available to me. This could limit a severe anxiety attack.
5. If I am going to hurt myself or others, get me help (No questions asked! I will thank you for it later.)

PTSD is difficult for me to outline in it’s own right, but I know who I am looking for when I step outside, and I know who I am watching for as I enter a crowded building. Hypervigilance is the worst part of PTSD, because instead of relaxing and enjoying myself, I am watching the doors, windows, and people I am glancing around to see which person is going to be the one to attack me first. It feels as though I am unable to relax, even alone at home. Still, I am working hard at home and with my therapist, and with any luck, I’ll be able to kick these fears before too long.

How do you manage your PTSD?

-Nikki