I woke up wanting to die. I ate breakfast, wanting to die. I got my daughter ready for her day, I functioned, I went to see family, and the sickening feeling that I was a dead woman walking refused to be shaken.
This post is going to have a lot of information about reaching out, but I want to spend just a moment in that deep, dark, feeling of nothingness. I was a burden, about to become more of a burden, a chain about someone’s neck. I was unstable and that lack of stability increases the instability of my very impressionable child. I spent hours crying. I couldn’t plan, I could barely breathe. I just cried. I sat in my family’s living room, watching all of the living, but I felt like dying, and I couldn’t say a word. So many would have said, “Get over it,” or “Just be happy,” or “Ask God to heal you,” or whatever else, all the while I am suffocating in my pain. So I said nothing accept, “It doesn’t matter,” or, “You wouldn’t understand.” This placed the blame squarely on me, where it belonged, because I refused to reach out. It does not matter if it is logical, it simply is. Gratefully, my grandmother allowed me the peace and quiet of her room to vent as I needed.
I had reached out to my therapist the night before, explaining the situation. She replied back on her own time (A Saturday) to reassure me. She didn’t have to, but it was welcome. I woke up feeling the same sense of dread.
Finally, I started saying my good-byes. My therapist is a smart cookie. She called me. She asked the questions, point blank, forcing me to answer them in the same way. She forced me to create a safety plan, hour by hour. She did not hang up until I could confirm that I would see her the next day. Turns out my coded answers didn’t work so well with my boyfriend, who again asked the questions, point blank, and demanded straight answers. Again, we created a safety plan.
Not everyone has a therapist like mine. But maybe you have a friend. That one person that isn’t gonna let you go. Who is going to make you promise to call the next day, or in an hour, or says she is on her way with Monopoly, the world’s longest game!
Maybe not, but there are the life lines. Call someone for help. Make sure you have the National Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), and the Kern County Hotline (1-800-991-5272) numbers. People are sitting there waiting to help you. Not all of them are great, but hang up and try again. And the National Lifeline has a chat program. Just hop on your laptop and give it a go. Finally, there is Reddit’s Suicide Watch. Those guys will try to help you as well, though I am not sure of their training.
Today, I still want to die. Those feelings didn’t disappear in a puffy pink cloud the moment someone told me they loved me. In my gut, I feel worthless, my heart is beating quickly, and my rapid thoughts are switching from method to method, but I am refusing to create a plan, I am being honest with my support system, and I have plans tomorrow that I just can’t miss.
-Take care of you, while I am taking care of me.
Nikki
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