The future is beginning

Today I signed the paperwork to start my MS program. This means I have committed myself to three arduous years of improvement. At the end of those three years I will take a few tests, and hopefully be able to find a wonderful job.

I am scared out of my mind. What if this is the wrong decision? What if I hate it? What if I don't, but I just can't hack it? What if I am not good enough?

I think that is the basic question right there. Still, I made the grades to get in, I have the references of some of the people I admire most in the world telling me I shall excel. There is just so much on the line, and a lot can change in three years.

The online portion was pretty simple. I filled out the application and sent an e-mail expressing interest. But then he wanted to meet me in person. That makes sense, right? Since the class is on-campus and I will be seeing a professor 2-3 times a week. So, I doll-up, take my medicine, do the deep breathing and positive mantras and all the little things I was taught to do when I was afraid. Then I disassociated from that fear, walked in, and blew this guys mind.

Okay, I may be giving myself a little more credit that I deserve, but I did not stumble over my words, I sold myself just like I used to when I was younger, before I realized how easily the world could tear me apart. I smiled, I made jokes and laughed at his, and then I asked, "So when will I know if I have been accepted?" and he smiled back and said, "Right now. You're in."

I left to have lunch and I allowed all of those emotions to wash over me. I cried in my truck, I congratulated myself, I shook, and took my emergency medication. Then I drove over and had lunch with my boyfriend, a constant source of support. I had to go back to the University to speak to the admissions clerk, and I was my normal, shy, self.

I made it through, I signed up for a graduate program, and now I am home and attempting to relax. All of the problems that can occur are speeding through my head, but I know if I can stay positive, I can make it. I have already e-mailed my therapist, my support system knows I am struggling. Now it is just the process of moving forward and doing the course work.

It is not always easy, having a mental illness, struggling with suicidal ideation, makes these tasks significantly more difficult. Allow us to empower one another, speak up, and destroy the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Mental illness will not stop me from accomplishing my goals, as long as I plan for it, and I use my support system.

If I find myself being overwhelmed, I will use self-disclosure. When depression sets in, I will check in with my psychiatrist and ensure I am med-compliant.

I can do this.

Take care of you.

-Nikki