SPARC is dedicated to preventing suicide by expanding community collaborative, identifying new effective strategies in prevention, implementing prevention projects and practices, and educating our community about suicide prevention. The goal is to reduce the number of deaths by suicide.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, contact the National Suicide Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) or the Kern County Mental Health Hotline at 1 (800) 991-5272.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Stardust

Original art - Nikki K.

My favorite quote of all time is from Lawrence Krauss. He said, “You are stardust.” He said a lot of other stuff as well, but this one little line has stuck with me.
I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. I think a lot of people do, but even more so those who suffer from mental illness. I am going to show you what I mean. We are sitting in a waiting room:
I think about how I look, and how you think I look. Do you think I smell funny? Did you just notice me checking to see if I smell bad? No, I don’t think you saw that. Wow, you have pretty eyes. Are you looking at my eyes? Are they pretty? Should I smile? Wait, if I smile, will you talk to me? Do I want you to talk to me? What if I say something stupid? I’ll certainly say something stupid. I should just look down. Yes, avoid contact. Wait, do you think I am being rude? Am I being rude? Maybe I should look up. I’ll just glance. You aren’t even looking at me. What was I thinking? You probably didn’t even notice me. I do smell funny And I have that mark by my eye and It looks like a bruise and You took one look and realized I am an ugly, weak, stupid girl who probably lets her partner beat her.

See how that thought pattern was really all about me, and not at all about you? One thing I spend a lot of time working on in therapy is disputing thoughts like these. Did you really think any of those things? Probably not. Even if you did, you probably didn’t think all of those things. I spend so much time and energy worrying about how I am coming across that I truly struggle to enjoy an experience. It is during times like these that I appreciate that quote. I am stardust.

For me, it means I am insignificant. When we sat down in that waiting room for whatever reason, you were in your world and I was in mine. You left that waiting room and quite probably never thought of me again. I was a blip on your radar. Similarly, I am a blip on the cosmic screen that is eternity. I can stare up at the stars and I remember, they have always been, and always will be, at least in my stream of consciousness. Yet, I am made up of the same particles as those stars. Maybe, I am just as beautiful as the stardust of which I am composed.
We are stardust.
-Nikki
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