Med changes and suicide

Original Art by Nikki K. "Mania"

Medication changes are awful and I hate them.

Being bipolar means there are several versions of myself. My ideal self is pretty impressive. Yeah, I know, that’s not very humble, but it is true. That version of myself that is most often seen when I am manic is a version of myself I wish I could be friends with. She is smart and funny. She is capable, confident, witty, friendly, outgoing, and spontaneous. She seems to have everything together. She can handle anything.

The depressive version of myself is actually pretty easy going. She is sad, but mostly she just wants to sleep. She struggles to do the things she knows must get done, whether it is getting up to go to work, filling out a job application, or just washing the dishes.

There are other versions of me as well. The super manic version wants to do everything all of the time. The “normal,” or middle of the road version, is almost a combination of it all. When my medications are all working together in perfect harmony, I am this middle of the road version. I can think clearly, I can function, and I can feel my emotions without being swallowed by them.

My least favorite version of me is the version I am today. 

It is the version that is struggling with this medication change. It is this version that bounces around like that ball in pong (please don’t let me be so old no one gets this reference.) between all aspects of herself. I spend the whole day crying, or hiding, or just shaking. Even taking a bath was difficult today. I feel like I just can’t catch my breath. Worst of all, those scary thoughts creep in… the ones about suicide.

I thought I was pretty stable, other than the minor depressive episodes that kept coming on. Really, I knew I was gonna be okay. Still, my psychiatrist wanted to try to achieve true stability, which meant messing with my mood stabilizers. So I am in this crappy place between the therapeutic levels of medications and I am just trying to survive it. Next week she will fix it, and I will be using the appropriate levels of the new medications. It all makes sense.

But today I am suffering. My mind is running away with me, my fears are sneaking up on me, and I am not sure how I am going to make it to next week. Sure, I know I will. I am honest about how I feel. I tell my support system, so that it doesn’t take anyone by surprise. Still, the how eludes me.

This is where my therapist would tell me to make a plan to make it. So, here is my plan.

1. Consult my support system. Be sure they know I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and that I need extra support.
2. Take extra time for me. That includes a longer shower, or putting off those dishes until later. Whatever I need in that moment.
3. If I find myself planning a suicide attempt, contact someone for help. Make sure I have the Life Line (1-800-273-8255), and the Kern County Hotline (1-800-991-5272) numbers. 
4. Try to get outside, even just for a little while. 
5. Utilize my coping skills. I am going to make time to paint, and finish these two books, this weekend.

Yes, I’m having a tough time. Yes, that tough time includes being suicidal. Now, I have a plan. This was easily the hardest thing I have written so far, but I hope admitting my struggle can help you too.

Take care of you.

-Nikki